Why Rewards?

First, it’s important to look at the nature of our children. There are different perspectives on human nature. One theory believes that people are inherently good and are corrupted by circumstances. One believes that children are blank slates and develop according to their environment. Another believes that people are inherently evil (sinful) and need to be trained to be good. A Biblical perspective tells us that we are born with a natural inclination to sin, a result of the fall in Eden, have a unique personality that effects how we interact with our environment, and are effected by our circumstances. In essence, this means that children do not naturally lean toward righteousness, need outward motivation to do what is right, and interact with how they are parented according to their God-given personality.
Second, it’s important to recognize that God models rewards and incentives for right behavior. As we discussed in the beginning of the chapter, we talked about the importance of obedience and how God rewards obedience and punishes disobedience. The Israelite nation is given rewards in prosperity and peace when they obey God and worship Him. We are promised the reward of the fruit of the Spirit as we seek God, love, worship, and obey Him. In the parable of the talents Jesus compares the kingdom of heaven to a man who rewards his servants with added responsibility and shared happiness[U1] . Paul tells us in Romans that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” (8:28a) John tells us that “God’s love is truly made complete” in us when we obey God’s Word, of which being filled and complete in God through Christ is the ultimate reward. (1 John 2:5)

[U1]“His master replied ‘Well done good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” Matthew 25:23

Rewards

Rewards, incentives, and positive given to children for motivation for children to make good choices is not just okay, it is an important part of effective parenting. There is a lot of debate these days about using incentives and rewards in parenting. Some believe that children should do what they are asked to do and should do because it’s the right thing to do. They believe that rewards for good behavior or completing tasks provide outward motivation, which is not the goal. We’ve already discussed that we want our children to mature and develop internal motivation. This is true for making right choices, as well as for things like working hard. However, as I discussed previously, our job as parents is to provide outside motivation until our children become internally motivated. If we take a step back and look at our children in a little different light, it may help us in understanding clearly what rewards, incentives, and bonuses are and why they are important.

Make It Fun

It's really easy as moms to get bogged down in the day-to-day chores and keeping up with stuff. It doesn't take much to get caught up in everything we have to get done and get lost to the "stuff" of mothering. But we are supposed to enjoy being moms and our time with our children. To do this we often need to be intentional. There are often moments that will catch us off guard where we have one of those full of fun and laughter moments. But in general, to add more fun to motherhood we have to be intentional.

I'm not the most creative person in the world, but God has graced me with inspirational moments to make my journey of mommyhood more fun. One of the things I did recently was make a menu for my children for lunch. I like to give them choices for lunch, but don't want to wait a half hour while they go through the list of things I'm not going to fix or don't have. So I prepared a Wainwright Lunch Menu and treated them like guests in my restaurant. They got to eat on a blanket in the garage and love "putting in their orders." It made lunch fun and they still ate what I had and was willing to fix without any arguing.

Another thing we often do for fun is race to get the house straightened up. I don't like them to be racing against each other, so we all work together and race against the clock. I set a timer and we rush around (often with me giving step-by-step instructions) getting the house straight. It doesn't seem like as much work to them when it's a game and things go much faster!

Although everything can't be fun, it's an important tool to teach our children that we can have positive attitudes and make things enjoyable even when we don't want or don't feel like doing them. This goes a long way in experiencing life positively and learning patience. It's much more pleasant to do things and/or wait for things when we can make it more fun.

Catching up

Well, I certainly haven't posted as much lately as I would like to. My minimum goal is once a week, but I haven't been making it. The good news is, however, that things are going really well and that's why I haven't posted. I finished chapter five (on parenting) of The Mommy Answer and am starting on chapter six (on fostering relationships, especially the one with your husband.) And to live out what I'm writing, I just returned from a long weekend with my husband. It was our first alone getaway since our first child was born 5 1/2 years ago and was fabulous. We went to Beufort, SC - which I highly recommend as a beautiful, quiet place to vacation - and just enjoyed each other and the lack of a schedule. I didn't get as much work done as I'd hoped, but I guess that's a good thing.

Bible Study is also up and swinging and is going great. We've completed the first two sections which covers making Bible Study, prayer and physical discipline prioritities. God is blessing me so much through this study and teaching me and reminding me many things.

Hopefully I'll get back on track with my posts, but if I miss a week here and there, know that it's because things are going well and I'm having the opportunity to be fruitful with my family, writing, and other relationships.

In the meantime, I'd love to hear what's going on with you, what God's doing in your life, and what your current blessings are.

LIfe Management for Busy Women

I am priviledged to be teaching the fall ladies Bible Study at my church. I thought about posting my notes on this blog, but several people are already reading both and I didn't want to duplicate. So if your interested in learning about managing a busy life (based on the book and study by Elizabeth George), go to smithmemorialladiesbiblestudy.blogspot.com and join us!

Making Mommy Decisions

Do you ever look at or think about how you make mommy decisions? I recently got the book I Was a Really Good Mom before I Had Kids by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile. In one chapter they talk about making peace with your choices. Most of the chapter talks about the anxiety that moms feel about things from picking the right extra-curricular activities to packing to right lunch to deciding whether to work or not. While I agree with much of what they have to say - like about the number of choices we have today adding to our stress and moms often not being confident about their decisions and comparing their decisions to other moms - they are missing the greatest resource for confidence in decisions.

"We heard forom a lot of mothers that htey crave confidence and stability. They want to stop looking over their shoulders, stop living with doubt, and stop making choices based on others' expectations of them." True. They talk about expectations influencing decisions, considering wants, using core principles and values, letting go of pressure to do it all, and decide to make peace with decisions. Much of this is helpful, but an incomplete answer to the presented problem. A quote they have in this chapter says "Sometimes you just have to trust the universe that things will turn out OK. - Amy/2 children, Corte Madera, CA"

Trust the universe? Trust a created object that has no power? Trust in changing values and feelings that everything will turn out okay? I'd rather have something powerful and perfect and loving and guiding to the best end for me and my children to trust in. Making the ultimate choices for our children requires relying on the ultimate parent. In an authentic, seeking relationship with God, we can have the answer to every question we ever have in parenting. Our ultimate goals for our children should come from God's will in their lives. As we seek Him, diligently study His Word, and learn to listen to Him, He will hold our hands and show us the path to take at every fork in the road. He will also lead us when to just be still in Him. Intentionally and intellectually evaluating our expectations, desires, values, and choices are good things to do. But relying on God to guide us through this process is the best thing we can do.

More on Discipline

As I continued to think on my last post and the principle of pay now or pay more later, I felt compelled to add a warning. Although we are responsible for teaching our children discipline, doing everything that we can in teaching our children, they still are able to make their own choices. There will always be that one child who rebels despite strict discipline. We as moms have to be very careful in how we judge other mothers by how their children behave. It may be the case that she is not doing all that she can in the area of discipline, but it may also be that she doesn't have the tools, or support, or just that the child is particurly strong-willed.

I also felt the need to emphasize that discipline should always be out of love. There are just as many children who are out of control because there is too much discipline with a lack of love and relationship as there are those who aren't disciplined at all. Discipline and love don't balance each other, discipline occurs out of love. This is a fundamental principle found in the Bible, expressed in Proverbs 3:12, Hebrews 12:6, and Revelation 3:19.