Scheduling Rest

I had a great conversation with an acquaintance yesterday. She and I have very different daily lives - I have 4 children under 13, she has 1 step-daughter in college; I am home full time, she works part time - but we found that we also have a lot in common. We are both very busy women with a high regard for taking care of our families, serving others, and working hard at whatever we do.

Maybe that's why our conversation moved to the subject of taking care of ourselves and resting once in a while. I think this is a concern/issue for most women in our society. Whether your children are young or older, whether you work outside the home, work from home, or home is your main work, whether your children participate in a dozen activities, a few activities, or just keep their heads above water keeping up with school, life challenges, and special situations - no matter what our daily lives look like - it seems we all struggle with staying balanced in taking care of ourselves and our families.

In a culture that says, "If it feels good, do it" and "You deserve....{just about anything and everything you want}, but also says "You must perform, be perfect, and please everyone (including yourself), it's no wonder we get stuck, have excessively high levels of stress and depression, and don't feel like we can ever rest.

Yet, our bodies were made to rest. Studies have proven that sleep is essential for health and optimal functioning. Our brains need to catch up and recharge. Our bodies need to recharge. But what about our spirits? Don't they need to recharge?

Yes, of course they do!

Sleep is essential and beneficial (and something I'm a big fan of), but it's not the only kind of rest we need. We also need down time. Time to reflect. Time to ponder. Time to ground ourselves. Time to stop the craziness and busyness of life and smell the roses, as the old saying goes.

The conversation yesterday brought the forefront that doing this often brings guilt on women. Because we tend to focus on, stress about, and heap guilt on ourselves about what we're not getting done at that moment. We forget that by taking care of ourselves (in a balanced, healthy way), we are benefiting our families. When we rest, relax, and recharge we can serve our families better. We can do our jobs better. Our moods are better. We are modeling health and balance. It is not just for us, but it is for them, too.

However, we shouldn't expect that it will just happen. Nor should we wait until we're sick to take a day off.

When I worked as a counselor, we were encouraged to take "Mental Health" days. We didn't have to wait to be sick to take sick leave. My wise supervisors knew that it was better to schedule days off to rest, relax, and recharge, than to be slammed with unexpected, often much longer and not beneficial, illness forcing one to take sick leave.

We as moms should recognize our needs for a mental health day on a regular basis. Now, I'm not talking about every week. Maybe every month, but definitely every couple of months. No, we don't ever "get a day off" of being mom, but we can take a break and take it down a few notches.

My kids still get fed on my "days off", but not much else. And guess what: they survive. Sometimes they even crawl in bed with me to snuggle when I'm half-way through a novel and still in my pajamas in the middle of the afternoon. Life goes on. The world keeps turning. Nothing comes crashing down. And we simply continue our routines and busyness the next day.

Rest is not a luxury. It is essential for well-being and health. It's not easy as a mom to get it, but it is so worth it. So, when will you schedule your next mental health day?

Who's In Charge?

It never fails to surprise me when I hear parents say, "He didn't want to," or "She didn't feel like it." Not that I'm cold and uncaring about my children's feelings, but often I hear these words about children following through on a commitment or a chore or even schoolwork. And I think: Who's in charge here?

Too often, it's the child, not the parent.

I sometimes even catch myself doing it. Letting my child dictate his or her own actions when really, I should push back more. I should stick to my word better. I know this, and still I fall short.

However, I often wonder if other parents are aware of this (not all parents, of course, just some who seem to get run over by their children.

As a family counselor of troubled teens, I saw this constantly. Parents who let children dictate their own lives (and sometimes the parents' too!). Then the parent would generally throw their hands up in the air in wonder when things went haywire or their child rebelled.

Now, it was a whole lot easier for me to dole out parenting advice before I actually became one. I had no idea how my emotions would become so entangled in my parenting. That even though I know the right thing to do most of the time (certainly not all the time!), I don't always do it because I'm tired or frustrated or distracted or just plain weak.

Nevertheless, I try to keep in the forefront of my mind that I am the one ultimately in charge. I have authority over my child and his/her life. This doesn't mean that I dictate every decision my child makes. There has to be balance and children have to be able to make decisions to become responsible, independent adults. They learn to make small decisions when they are small and best handle bigger decisions as they grow bigger. Yet still, they are not in control of their lives. They should be in control of some decisions, but not their entire lives. Not until they're ready to be fully responsible for their entire lives.

Yet many parents don't embrace their rightful place as having authority. We have swung the pendulum of parenting from authoritarian (rules rule the roost) to permissive (rules?), neither which is best for a child or the family as a whole. Instead, authoritative parenting has proven to be the most effective time and time again. That means the parent is in charge (i.e. holds the authority), but engages the child in love, life, and some autonomy in decisions.

So how do we put this into practice? 

First, we as parents must recognize that we are in charge, and we are in charge for a reason. Think how much more you know about life than you did when you were five or ten or fifteen. You have life, experience, and a wealth of information to pull from. Your child has very little of each of these.

Second, we have to realize that discipline is a form of love and children grow up much more healthier with balanced boundaries. Letting them have their way or tell you what they are or are not going to do (not little things, but bigger things like follow through on a commitment, go to a family function, follow family rules, etc.) creates a self-centered, selfish, and often very immature adult.

Third, we should remember that most battles are short lived. Now, I have two strong-willed children, so I know what it means to say no to the same questions a dozen times a day for months on end. But they eventually get it. I also have seen that most times a child gets upset with boundaries being set and held to, they will recover pretty quickly. Even if it's a day or two, it will be much better in the long run to hold on to your word. Even if it's a week or two, or a month or two (the times seem to often get longer as they get older). All we have to do is outlast them - most of the time. (None of us are capable of holding on ALL the time!)

So, the next time your child tells you "no" to something that really matters or something that they committed to or something that you need to stick to just because you already let it fly out of your mouth, remember that you are in charge for a reason - and that reason is because you know best for your child, love them, and want them to grow up to be healthy, balanced, caring individuals. 

Making More Time Part 7

It's been a while since I've posted about making more time. I've been making more time for Christmas cards, presents, finishing homeschooling and starting a new book. When these things take over, blogging gets pushed to the back burner. But, a request from a fellow writer to guest blog has gotten me back on. And now I'll share the last two tips on making more time, in a season when it's highly needed.

As a reminder, the first six tips are:
1 - Monitor how you spend your time
2 - Open yourself to change
3 - Redeem your time for the most important things
4 - Eliminate or reduce time stealers
5 - Take time to organize
6 - Include the fun stuff

And number 7 is - Make sure God comes first

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.Deuteronomy 6:5

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33

These are Biblical principles known to many, but how do you put it into action? What does it mean day-in and day-out? It means scheduling your time around God and His priorities, instead of trying to squeeze God in around everything else we have to do. And surprisingly, when we do this, our time and effectiveness will actually increase.

We often try to do things in our own strength, which always fails eventually. Spending time with and relying on God for direction, wisdom, and strength will provide us with everything we need to live with joy and balance each day.

But what about when things get chaotic? Life often throws us off balance and circumstances come up that take up time in our already full schedules. If we’re standing on God as the Rock of our life and the Lord of every detail, He will guide us through every single detail.

Also, it's important not to see things as stealing your time. Every breath we take is a gift from God and we’re here for His purpose. Our time is His and our job is to live each second of it in gratefulness and obedience through the power of His Holy Spirit.

Putting God first doesn't mean you have to become a morning person and spend a couple hours in prayer and the Word (although it most certainly doesn't hurt anything), it means actively pursuing a deep relationship with God on a daily basis. And when our time is viewed as a gift from God and we dedicate everything we do to Him, our time will increase exponentially.

How I filled 6 Stockings for under $50

I'm a pretty frugal person, but I also like to buy gifts. Especially for those closest to me. We decided to do a simple Christmas this year. We only bought each child one gift of $20 or less (the littlest got 3 gifts, as her items cost a lot less.) We're doing homemade gifts for friends and family, excluding the parents. Our most exciting gifts of this year were our donation to Lottie Moon and the purchase of a bike for a missionary in Asia. Last night, I got to do one of the things I enjoy the most: I raided the Dollar Tree for stocking stuffers. And I got out of there for under $50! With enough items to fill 6 stockings (okay, hubby's isn't quite full, but mine is :)

So how did I do it? The trick, first, is to think small for stockings. The big gifts (even if it's just one per person) are under the tree. Stockings are for extra treats. The second trick is to shop a dollar store (or the dollar bins at Target or Wal-Mart.) The third trick is to buy multi-packed items. I like to buy things useful, and my kids are fairly used to this, so they don't complain. I also add in fun stuff. So here's what they got:

a highlighter (bought as pack of 4)
Christmas stickers (they're really gift tags, 4 sheets for $1)
gum (these come in packs, the older ones got 4 different flavors)
mints (also sold in multi-packs)
coloring book (each of younger got one, oldest got a small spiral notebook)
play kitchen items (set of 3 spatulas -each girl got one, ramekins - two youngest got set of 3 each)
bags of self-adhesive foam craft items
new toothbrushes (two got toothpaste in the package)
new bath sponges (they even had the fun animal ones)
a miniature coke glass (they each get one every year, they're 2/$1)
spy kits (one for each oldest 2, fingerprint kit and decoder)
glue stick
dry erase marker

So, that's my list. Fun and useful combined in one!

For me (yes, I stuff my own stocking - because I can!), I got new hot pads for the kitchen, a kitchen timer for school (for math speed drills), teacher tape with letters & numbers, reward stickers, green bags for fruits and veggies, my favorite blue gel pens, and gum, and super glue.

Hubby gets a new click n flame lighter, disposable vinyl gloves (he complained we didn't have any in the kitchen the other day - gag gifts work well for stockings), and gum.

Oh, yeah, and I bought a box of hot chocolate mix and gave everyone a packet.

So, it can be done. You can stuff stockings for less than $10 a piece, if you're creative and see it as fun.

Making More Time 6

Around this time of year (and most, really), many of us need more time. And this tip in particular. In the middle of everything going on, all the responsibilities we have, and running around, we must remember to Include The Fun Stuff. These are the things that help us to maintain our relationships, sanity, and health.

Jesus said: "I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." (John 10:10) Life is often not easy. There is stress, hurt, and lots of work involved. One of the ways we live life abundantly (the main way is to completely rely on, trust in, and obey God) is to take time to enjoy the time we have.

God never calls us to simply be busy for busyness' sake. He calls us to be fruitful for His kingdom. Our busyness can inhibit our discipleship - growing in our relationship with God and fostering relationships with other. Whatever that may be, we should seriously consider letting it go. And make room for life to be enjoyed.

Everything, however, doesn't have to be perfect for us to enjoy life. God tells us to take captive every thought. That means we can have right, true, pure, and good thoughts regardless of what's going on. And having a positive attitude helps us to enjoy life. Even chores can become fun when we have the right attitude. Turn up the music. Make it a game. Leave the dishes once in a while and go play with the kids. They'll remember that more anyhow.

And remember: balance, balance, balance! If you always leave the chores for fun, life will become chaotic and dirty. But if you always leave fun for chores, life will be depressed and grumpy. And as you utilize all the tips for making more time, you'll naturally be more balanced.

Making More Time Part 5

Did I mention organization? Oh, yeah, I did. Well, it's that important in making more time, so we're going to talk about it again. Taking the Time to Organize is our next step in making more time in our busy, over-scheduled lives.

In organization, it's true that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. The easier things are to find, the quicker you'll find them. Have you ever chased an item or two down, wasting precious time when you're trying to head out the door? Or marking things off your to-do list, only to spend half an hour searching for some essential piece of the puzzle? I think we've all been there.

On a large scale, imagine the library without organization. You have one particular book in mind, and you wonder around the library searching for the title among several thousand books thrown on the shelf in order that they came in, instead of by category or alphabetized. Think that would take a little more time than getting the call number or knowing where to look by the author?

On a smaller scale, the same is true for how we run our homes. However, you don't have to be an organizational master! Start small (where you put your keys, shoes, mail.) Recruit help to get started. If organization isn't your strength, surely someone in your life is good at it. And most likely, they'd be more than willing to pitch in and help out. My mother does several times a year - whether it is toys or clothes, in a house of four kids I often need help!

Set clear goals. Know what needs to be done when. Then they're easier to reach. What areas of home-management do you need the most help with organization? What tasks do you do on a regular basis that would run smoother if you had a more consistent routine?

As helps, lists, calendars, and day planners are available in abundance (or make your own!). These give concreteness to what needs to be down and helps reduce conflicts. Our brains are busy and often overloaded with extraneous data. Writing things down and being able to see what needs to be done is very helpful. And, when the calendar gets to full, it's a clue that it's time to return to steps two and four.

Don't worry if you're not a list/calendar person, though. These are simply tools! If it's not working for you (and make sure it doesn't become that you're working for it), then it's no longer a tool, but a burden. If that happens, reevaluate again and figure out what works for you.

We all have the same 24 hours a day, we simply have to balance our responsibilities and desires with how we use those hours. Organization will go a long way in helping us use our time efficiently and see when we need to unload a thing or two.

Making More Time Part 4

The fourth step in making more time is a fun one. Can you feel the sarcasm dripping off the page? This is actually one of the most difficult to face. We've addressed it somewhat in looking at how we spend our time and making sure we're redeeming our time for the most important things. But, today we go a step further. Today we look at: Eliminating or reducing time stealers.

If we're brave enough to examine how our time's truly spent, we will find that our lives tend to be full of time stealers. These are the things that are unnecessary. Things that bring comfort, or some pleasure, or simply offer distraction. But if we're complaining that we don't have time to do everything and these things take up a good part of our time, we have to be willing to acknowledge them.

So, here we go. I'm just going to throw them out there without much comment. After all, I struggle in many of these areas, too.

Television - how often does 30 minutes turn into 3 hours (or more)?

Computer/internet - have you ever gotten lost in the web maze?

Unnecessary extra-curricular activities - Do we need to be involved in everything we're involved in? Even if they're all good things?

Things to meet others' expectations - This doesn't mean we ignore responsibilities, but how much of what we do is because someone else things we should?

Arbitrary rules - many of us have "rules" that we live by, usually things that began as good habits by us or others. But we adapt them as rules we have to live by and they often become stressors. Does the house have to be cleaned every week? Do all meals need to be cooked from scratch? Can we not recruit help in some needed areas? What rules have you made for yourself that you could let go of?

Disorganization - Looking for lost items expends a lot of time and energy. If everything has a place and you take the few moments to put it where it belongs, you will save yourself gobs of time that would be spent looking for it.

Remember, if you don't have enough time to do everything, something has to change for you to have time for the important things. What stealers can be reduced or let go? I promise the long-term payoff is better than the short term pleasure of that time-stealing item!

Making More Time Part 3

So, the journey to find more time continues. After you've begun to monitor your time and opened yourself up to make changes, the third step is to Redeem Your Time for the Most Important Things.

1 Corinthians 15:58 Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

We tend to have so many options for things to do to fill up our time, that it's easy to let the less important things slip in and push the more important things out of the way. If I were asked, I'd say that the most important things in my life are:

Faith

Family

Friendships

Finances

Fun

It's easy to claim these are my priorities, but if I'm willing to be honest and inspect my life closer, I have to ask: Am I living them out? It's much easier to say what our priorities are than it is to spend our time on what we say is most important. Are you willing to compare what you say your priorities are with how you spend your time?

That doesn't mean that if you spend 8 hours a day sleeping and 8 hours a day at work that those are your top priorities. God gave us sleep and calls us to work (whether it's within or outside of the home.) I'm talking more about our flexible time. The time we have that's more negotiable in how we spend it.

If you were to look at your time and make a chart of pie graph, what would it look like? In a typical week, how do you spend your time? How much time do you spend:

Quiet time with God in prayer and/or personal Bible study

Self-care (shower, makeup, nails, hair, etc.)

Physical fitness (exercising)

Watching TV

Non-work time on computer

Working

Housework (cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work, etc.)

Time with children (taking care of and spending fun time with)

Errands and extra-curricular activities

Church attendance

Care of family members (not children)

Time with friends

Time with Spouse

Ministering to others (cooking meals, helping with errands, making gifts, visiting, babysitting, etc.)

After an honest look, are you living out your priorities? If not, what small changes can be made to move the most important things to the top of your time-list?

Making More Time Part 2

In making more time, once you become aware of your time through monitoring it, the next step is to open yourself up for change. If you want to experience change (i.e. no longer feeling overwhelmed and like time's running away from you) then you have to be willing to make changes.

Even the small changes can be hard, but the payoff's immeasurable. Think back. Is there one habit you've changed in the past that's helped you use your time more effectively? Even though there might have been an adjustment period, didn't it make things run more smoothly? One thing I've changed is making sure I put my keys in the same place every time I come home. That way, when it's time to walk out the door and I'm trying to make sure myself and all the kids have everything they're supposed to have, I don't even have to think about where the keys are.

The second reason to open your self to change is that God wants to refine you through the use of your time.

Psalm 66:10 For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver.

Daniel 12:10 Many will be purified, made spotless and refined, but the wicked will continue to be wicked. None of the wicked will understand, but those who are wise will understand.

As long as we're on this earth, there's work God can do and wants to do in us. It may have to do with our time, our attitudes, our thoughts, our relationships, or our money. All of these things take time, and if we simply open ourselves up to God, He will do an amazing work in us.

If we feel like we never have time to do everything, chances are we've taken on more than God's called us to. Something may have worked for a while, but then more or different responsibilities came into the picture and we didn't want to let go of anything.

If we're hanging onto something in our life that we should have let go, our hand stays clenched around that thing and remains closed to the additional blessings God may have waiting to pour down on us.

What have you been holding onto that God wants you to let go of so He can our more blessings down on you?

Next, and closely related to the previous reason for being open to change, is that God wants to transform you through the use of your time.

Romans 12:2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

2 Corinthians 3:18 And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

If we don't have time to spend with God in His Word and in prayer, we are not fully living in His will. These are the ways God transforms us. There's no set time to spend with God that's necessary to draw closer to Him, but some time is essential.

Are you willing to ask God what time He wants you to give Him one-on-one?

Making More Time

Do you ever feel like time flies by without notice? That there is never enough time to get everything done that you need to get done? In our world of hurry and scurry, most of us feel overwhelmed with responsibilities and short on time. The good thing is that there are ways to make more time! Think about it: more time to enjoy your family, more time to spend with God, more time to sleep. What a wonderful thought. Over the next few weeks, my posts will focus on the tricks and tools I've learned to make more time, something that's a work in progress.

The first step to making more time is to: Monitor how you spend your time.

Why is this important? A few reasons.

1 - God cares how we spend our time. Does He really? According to the Word, He does. Here are just a couple examples of God addressing what He thinks about our time usage:

2 Thess. 3:11 We hear that some among you are idle and disruptive. They are not busy; they are busybodies.

1 Timothy 5:13 Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also busybodies who talk nonsense, saying things they ought not to.

These verses address what God thinks about our wasting time. I couldn't even begin to include scriptures that talk about how we should spend our time: in hymns of praise, encouraging each other, loving each other, taking care of each other, preaching the gospel. All we have while on this earth is time. How we spend it determines many things in our lives: how hard we work determines our grades or pay or promotion. How much time and the kind of time we spend with our children goes a long way to determining our relationships with them. Our time spent with other loved ones, including God, determines the depth and health of those relationships. Time is the one thing, once spent, can never be regained. And it matters how we spend it.

What would you say if I said we have more time today than people (as a general rule) than ever before? You'd probably look at me like I'd lost my mind. We do, though! The more conveniences we get in life, the more idle time we have. We simply fill it up. We fill it up with sports and parties and dinners and browsing the web and watching TV and reading books and sitting around talking. We have tons of idle time (for the most of us) when we're not working on our livelihood or maintaining our homes. We simply fill all that time up.

However, it's important to remember that we have one purpose on this earth and that’s to be a disciple of Christ. That can include the fun things and the relaxing things, but it's important to remember that those are not the most important things.

And nothing says we can't rest!God allows for rest, but in our society we take much more than the one/seventh of each week to rest. We view any time we spend on working, chores, and ministry as taking away from our time. The truth is, all of our time is a gift from God and should be used wisely.

2 - If we’re not conscience of our time, we’re more likely to waste it. How often do you get to the end of a day, or a week, or a month and wonder exactly where the time has gone? Time seems to simply slip away when we're not paying attention. That doesn't mean we are to ignore our responsibilities and watch the clock to value each moment. Scripture even addresses this:

Romans 13:11-14 But make sure that you don't get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God. The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing! God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed. We can't afford to waste a minute, must not squander these precious daylight hours in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. Get out of bed and get dressed! Don't loiter and linger, waiting until the very last minute. Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about! (Msg)

So how do you monitor your time without wasting more time monitoring it? Organization is one way. However, I know that not everyone is an organization master. But you don’t have to write a to-do list every day or keep physical track of your time. It's often helpful to do so, but isn't a requirement. Being intentional about how you use your time – both active time and rest time – will, however, help you be more fruitful instead of just busier.

3 - Living in the moment we have, with a grateful attitude for every single breath and gift from God, will increase your time exponentially. When we race from one thing to the next and are always looking forward, we miss the blessings of the moment, feel rushed, and actually lose time. Working on being fully present in the moment we’re in helps us not only feel like we have more time, but will dramatically decrease stress and increase joy.

Are you fully here right now? Or are you wondering if the house is being destroyed while you’re away or the list of things you have to do tomorrow, or next week, or even next month? Pause and take a moment to engage fully in this moment. What are you grateful for? What gifts has God given you today? Savor them. Be grateful for them. Ask God to help you recognize them.

Then ask Him to help make you aware of your time.

ii. Take a moment, engage in this second fully, and list 10 things you’re grateful for at this moment.

When Does Helping Hurt?

A few years ago, my daughter would look at me with a twinkle in her eye and an adorable, slightly crooked smile on her face. I knew that look, and what was to follow. “Mom, because you’re such a kind, loving mom, will you…?” Then she’d bat her eyes and try to weasel an act of service out of me. As a parent, I must continually ask myself: What is best, long-term, for our daughter? When is helping an act of love and when does actually cause harm?

Our daughter’s behavior lasted but a blip because I’d always respond, “Honey, I love you too much for that. I want to train you to have a servant’s attitude, not a serve-me attitude. I want you to be responsible and confident, not dependent and insecure.”

In my opinion, helping hurts when it prevents growth or perpetuates faulty thinking.

About ten years ago I read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. In the book, one of the authors share a story of visiting a friend. While there, this friend picks up her teenage son’s room. Watching this, the author says he feels sorry for the young man’s future wife. Basically, he pointed out that although the mother thought she was helping, her assuming responsibility for her son would actually hurt him in the long run by creating patterns of behavior that would affect future relationships.

I wrote a story about this very thing on Samie Sisters, a tween E-zine. You can read it here (http://www.samiesisters.com/previous_articles/Who-Cares-if-My-Room-is-Clean-.html). Through the story, I explore the habits formed during chores, habits that will carry into your child’s adult years. Although I didn’t mention it in the article, I also believe chores go a long way towards strengthening your child’s confidence. Each time we assign a task, then allow our child to complete it without jumping in, we are in effect saying, “I have full confidence in your ability to do this.” Each time we rescue them, perhaps because they throw a fit, get overwhelmed, or don’t do it how we’d like, we say, “I don’t believe you can do this.”

Everything we do, intentionally or unintentionally, forms habits, positive or negative. Our actions always make a statement. Multiply these unspoken statements over the course of 18 years, and you can see this is a big deal.

I adore my daughter. If given the chance, I’d shelter her from every trial and shower her with blessings, but as a mom, my love for her must override my desire for her pleasure. I need to parent from a long-term perspective, always evaluating attitudes and behaviors (I tend to place more emphasis on attitudes, because I believe attitude precedes behavior), in terms of our long-term parenting goals. We all want our children to be compassionate, responsible, dedicated, etc. The trick is helping them develop those character traits. I believe character traits are learned through consistent action.

Okay, so we all want these things for our children, and we love them deeply, but often we’re not sure how to go from desire to game-plan. (Forming a game plan, with your spouse, is essential because otherwise you’ll have a tendency to parent on emotion and the present, not based on forethought, education, prayer, and long-term goals.)

For me, one verse sums it up and ties it all together: “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” Ephesians 4:15 (NIV)

Notice truth and love must always go hand-in-hand. And what is the goal? Maturity.

Take a moment to prayerfully evaluate your parenting in light of your child’s adulthood and Ephesians 4:15. Make a list of character traits, habits, and attitudes you’d like your child to develop, then review your parenting in light of that. Are you and your spouse moving your child toward those goals or away from them? And what can you do, starting today, to help train the future adult in your child?

Thanks a bunch to Jennifer Slattery for the guest post!!

Jennifer Slattery is a freelance writer, marketing manager for the literary website, Clash of the Titles and publicity assistant for Tiffany Colter, the Writing Career Coach. She’s placed in numerous writing contests and her work has appeared in many publications including the Bible Advocate and the Breakthrough Intercessor. She writes for Christ to the World Ministries, Samie Sisters, the Christian Pulse, and co-hosts a faith-based Facebook community called Living By Grace with five other writers. You can find more about her and her writing at her devotional blog, Jennifer Slattery Lives Out Loud (http://jenniferslatterylivesoutloud.com) and you can find out more about her critiquing and marketing services at Words that Keep (http://wordsthatkeep.wordpress.com).

Giving Your Best

In my last post, I talked about my renewed dedication to give God my best. The post ended with the question, "Am I giving God my best?"

If I'm truthful in answering that, I'd say "Yes, sometimes." There are times I am on fire and productive and disciplined and keep up with things. There are other times I look at what needs to be done and know that it'll be there for me to do tomorrow. I focus on the luxaries others have and wish I had them. I shut down and shut off everything except what has to be done and what I feel like doing at that moment. And I'm learning that I waste a lot of time.

I'll repeat something else I said. Breaks are not bad. Downtime is not bad. But it can easily get out of balance and become priority. Am I working for my next break? How am I usuing my break? How long of a break do I take? Am I getting done everything I believe I'm called to do?

These questions, and probably a few more I'm just not thinking of right now, go into evaluating how we see our time, and especially our down time.

We tend to see our time as just that: our time. However, each second we have is a gift. We did not create ourselves. We did not bring ourselves into being. While there are many things we can do to be healthy and live longer, we cannot ultimately prevent our death at any given moment. That means each moment is a gift.

This concept was gracefully explained in a recent talk I was blessed to sit in on. The speaker was Ann Voskamp, author of One Thousand Gifts, and a few things she said still reverberate through my head weeks later. One of them is this: We all have a Jew who gave His life so that we could have life. He paid our death penalty for us and therefore every breath we take is a gift. What would happen if we recognized each breath we intake as a gift?

Would we be as content to watch tv for hours a day? Would be crave surfing the net or checking out what's going on on Facebook? Would we growl at our children when they interrupt what we're doing? Would we be so concerned with how we look on the outside, spending much more time on what we wear and how our hair an make-up look than on growing in love and knowledge and wisdom of the Lord?

What would life look like?

Giving your best doesn't mean you don't ever do the above things, but you do them with care and make sure they don't become a priority over the better things. The best things. Sure, I'd love to kick back and veg, but God has called me to touch people's lives through writing and speaking the things He's working in me. When I've done that to my best for today, then I rest.

And if I haven't rested in Him today, that's where I should start. There is time...it's simply how we use it.

Balance, Balance, & More Balance!

On my recent weekend getaway/womens/writers & speakers conference (i.e. She Speaks :) one of the new things I learned about was having a tagline for ministry. Since I'm primarily a writer and a speaker second, this wasn't something I was familiar with. The speaker talking about the tagline said, "Don't expect you'll come up with something that fits and you like today or even this weekend." But I did. I think.

I'm still sitting on it, but the more I think about it and the more I look at my ministry focus, the more I'm convinced I've nailed it. And it is:

Balanced Living for a Brilliant God.

That pretty much sums up my ministry and covers all topics I write/speak about. In attempting to live in a way that brings success, happiness and contentment, balance is necessary in every area.

When it comes to housework/chores and spending time with our families, balance is necessary. If we get out of wack in either area, we will either suffer from chaos in life or chaos in our relationships.

When it comes to taking care of ourselves, balance is necessary. If we completely neglect ourselves, we will not be healthy enough to take care of our families and other responsibilites. If we spend too much time and energy on ourselves, we will be self-centered and our world around us will collapse.

When it comes to relationships, balance is necessary. If we expect too much of another without giving anything in return, the relationship will self-destruct. If we give too much and the relationship isn't mutual (notice, however, that I didn't say equal), it will be unhealthy and damaging.

When it comes to parenting, balance is necessary. If we give our children love with no limits, they will be spoiled, self-seeking, and have a "the world owes me" attitude. If we give our children limits with no love, they will end up hurt, angry, and lacking the ability to enjoy relationships as a gift from God.

Even when it comes to our relationship to God, balance is necessary. He tells us to pray at all times about all things, which doesn't sound balanced, but if all we do is lock our selves away from the world to pray, we will not do the things God has purposed for us to do. Prayer is work within itself, and we can do it at all times in all occasions, but it is not the only work we are to do in obedience and accordance to our faith.

When we get out of balance, we feel it. Life is often a constant self-correcting when we get lopsided in one area or another. I spent most of yesterday reading a book (this is why I greatly restrict my fiction reading diet!) So today, I'm getting work done and spending time with the kids, before I pick up the next book in the series.

And while balance is good for us, to help us stay content, be successful in the tasks we're given, and have happiness along the way, the ultimate goal in everything is to bring glory to the Lord, who is brilliant in every way.

Fear of Abandonment

It's quite funny what God will do when you open yourself up. I've never been a fearful person. It's not part of my nature and I wasn't taught to be fearful. I'm more one of those people who jump head first into things, figuring that everything will work out.

Lately, however, God has been showing me my deep, hidden fears. They are less tangible than fears of some tragedy, injury, or disaster.

The first fear revealed was the fear that my ministry (i.e. speaking, writing, and getting published) would grow faster than my family was ready for. I am confident that my initial book hasn't sold yet because, at least in part, my family has not been ready for it. With my youngest child barely two, how in the world would I have been traveling and doing events on a regular basis before now? Life is busy and crazy as it is. While I know that God is in control of every detail - down to when and if I get published and where, when, and if I have a speaking ministry - I have to get it to my heart. If I have even the slightest concern about what affect my ministry growing will have on my family, then I'm not trusting that God is in control and has my and my family's best interest at heart. He has plans for each of us and all those plans somehow work out perfectly for all of us.

That doesn't mean that I don't step into things carefully and prayerfully. On the contrary, I could very easily try to finagle and work my way to a "successful" ministry. Then I would be out of bounds of God's will and protection and be neglecting my call, which is to first minister to my family. But neither do I want to hold back when God is coaxing me forward. I want to be abandoned completely to His will. I simply have to tell my heart to give up all of its own wants and desires, other than the single desire to be radically abandoned to the one and only Lord of my life.

A Mom's Crazy Life

Okay, so Wow! It's really been almost a month since I've been on here. I knew it had been a while, but didn't realize it had been quite that long. July was packed long before it got here, but goodness, couldn't I have taken a few minutes to check in?

Then I review everything that I've been doing. We'll start with parenting four beautiful children under 9. Then we'll go to gardening, taking care of the home, and trying to catch a few minutes with hubby here and there. Those are the regular things. Oh, and writing!

Then we add in everything else, family in town for July 4 weekend, going to Northern Virginia with the kids for a week and visiting friends (we had a whirlwind trip, staying in 3 different houses in 5 nights!) and preparing for the fabulous She Speaks Conference, which starts in 3 days.

I had no idea how much preparation there would be. But I'm the crazy person who's doing a split track and so has to prepare two speeches for evaluation (done!) and get my book proposal ready (haven't looked at it in almost 2 years and am doing some revisions, over half-way there!) There is also finding "business casual clothes" that I as a stay-at-home mommy doesn't have (thanks to my good friend and mom, I'm all set!), getting my business cards ready, doing a one-sheet (which my faithful friend's son who is a design-stuff-on-the-computer-genius helped me with), and printing off directions and coordinating with my travelling partner. And, just for grins and giggles, I had 8 kids at my house yesterday and am squeezing in a cut and color tomorrow (which another fabulous friend is doing for FREE in exchange for me rolling her hair for a perm.)

So, life is busy. And God has blessed me throughout. He's continuing to teach me to prioritize, make sure I spend time with Him so that I don't lose focus (or my sanity), and to pray for those who are hurting around me.

I'll ask your forgiveness for not being more consistent in meeting you here, but you probably understand. Sometimes, we live day-by-day and minute-by-minute and are so busy enjoying the wonderful gifts God has given us (especially the gift of His peace amidst the craziness swirling around us) that we don't check in.

And that's not always a bad thing.

But I do hope to check in more often and be able to share all the wonderful things God is teaching me through this process. The first of which, as is obvious in this post, is the blessing of godly, caring, generous family and friends!

Mommy Time Out

Time out is a new concept (in the grand scheme of parenting) that we use with our children. The idea behind it is to isolate children from fun and make them do the one thing most of them can't stand: be still and alone.

While some will argue for time out and others will argue against it, I see it as a useful tool, especially for children who can't stand to miss out on something. Why is it effective? Mainly, I think, because our children are constantly engaged, entertained, and enticed. There is always something to hold their attention or keep them busy.

So, even though it can work, should time out be used only for punishment? Shouldn't our children have the blessing of down time? Time to be creative. Time to spend with themselves and be okay with that. Time to explore their world on their terms. This sounds wonderful! And I work diligently to create this environment. (Yes, I'm one of those moms who limits tv/computer to 1-2 hours a day and occasionally call a no-media day.)

What about us? We moms always have something going on. If we're not running our children somewhere, taking care of their needs, educating them, catching up on the computer, managing family life and budget, there's a ton of other things calling our attention.

So, when's our time out?

Yesterday, mine was at about 12:30 p.m. I was getting grumpy and needed a time out. And, I explained that to my kids (after I'd had a short break and improved my mood.)

God declared a day of rest for a reason. WE NEED IT! And while I haven't quite figured out how to have a full day consistently each week of rest, I try to remember to rest regularly.

Rest, not sleep. Rest, not a vegetable state in front of the television. But actual rest. Sitting and doing nothing for at least a half hour.

And this is hard! Especially when we're surrounded by endless tasks. But, if we as moms don't recharge, don't take at least a little break, we won't have as much to give to our children.

While the little people in my life and yours may not understand this tangibly, the will get it. This is evidenced by what my eight-year-old said to me yesterday.

Me: "Thank you for letting Mommy rest. I was getting grumpy and needed a time out."

Her: "So you can be a good example?"

"Yes." I smile. "So I can be a good example."

Doubting Mom

Do you ever doubt yourself as a mom? Do you question the choices you make? Wonder if there isn't more that you could do? That you should do? If so, you're not alone.

The name of my blog suggests that I might have all the answers to perfect motherhood. That no matter the question, there is a straight-forward, black and white answer. And while there is a lot that I know about parenting - I've studied it, read dozens of books about it, taught it, and experienced eight intense years of it - there is still a world of things I don't know. I could give you the textbook answer and best advice in what to do or where to go for the best solution for a lot of problems that come up, but one thing I've learned is that mothering takes on a whole new element when you're in the throes of it and your emotions get all tangled up in it.

Some days I'm tired and don't feel like disciplining right away.

Some days I want to work on my stuff and let the kids play and make a mess all day.

Some days I feed them pizza and french fries and no fruit or veggies.

Some days I totally and completely doubt my ability as a mom.

I had such a day earlier this week as I flaked out and felt I couldn't do a thing more without laying down and recharching. A nap? In the middle of the day? Seriously, what kind of mom am I?

Well, okay, a nap isn't so unusual in my life. I get up early to beat the crowd (i.e. the kids) and stay up late to spend time with hubby. But on this particular day, for some unknown reason, my exhaustion caused me to question myself as a mom. Was laying down and letting them have the run of the house for an hour the best thing for my kids?

Maybe. Because I felt a lot better afterwards. The house was locked up and anything unsafe also stays on lock-down. And my eight-year-old will definitely come and get me if anyone's up to mischief. Oh, and by the way, my rest was interrupted several times as I was crawled on, snuggled with, and asked questions.

So, while I'm not sure about myself and my ability to raise these four precious gifts called children into God-fearing, people-loving, balanced adults, I have come to the conclusion that taking an hour off once in a while does not define me as a mom.

My overall dedication to raising my children to the best of my ability (and constantly working on improving my knowledge and dedication) defines me a mom.

Living a Balanced Life

Reasons we get out of balance:

The need for balance: The “have it all, do it all, be it all” myth.
Endless opportunities
The devil is a master of distraction

How to get back in balance:
1 – Intentionally live out your priorities
· Use the right source and standard (God’s word)
· Don’t buy into “I’m only a mom”
· Look at how your resources are spent (time, money, energy, thoughts)

2 – Pray about how to spend your priorities (daily)
· If we’re constantly seeking and following God’s will, He will bless whatever we do
· P.S. that doesn’t mean it will be easy

3—Plan
· schedule your days, weeks, months
· handwritten lists, calendars, phones
· don’t work for your plan/schedule/routine, it’s to work for you
· routine is good, but so is flexibility
4 – Don’t strive for perfection, but for excellence
· staying in balance means letting some things go

5 – Maintain relationships with other people
· when we put God first and keep our priorities in order, He fills us with His peace, patience, and love for others
· relationships are meant to less us as we give and take (make sure relationships are healthy)
· Two are better than one, if one falls down, the other can help him up. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

6 – Have a proper perspective
· Balance isn’t just about what we have going on. It’s also about how we look at and feel about what’s going on.
· We all have stressful and/or “down” times, but if we focus on them, we miss out on the precious, rewarding times
· If you know how to worry, you know how to meditate

7 – Give yourself permission to say “no”
· Too often, we get our identity from what we do.
· It’s hard to say no when it’s a good thing, something we enjoy, or something that will make us look good, but if it puts us out of balance, it’s most likely not something God’s called us to do

8 – Purge “have to” from your vocabulary
· “have to” means an obligation and brings with it a sense of burden
· “I’m going to…because…” improves your mood, increases motivation, and give you a better attitude
· Do everything as unto the Lord. Colossians 3:23

9 – Remember to play
· Moms have a lot of responsibilities and often forget to have fun
· It will improve your relationships with your husband, children and friends
· It will also improve your health

10 – Pause when you experience “those days” = Feeling overwhelmed, Overly emotional, Lashing out, Stressed

· Acknowledge where you’ve gotten off course
o Not trusting God
o Taken on too many responsibilities
o Not asking for help when you need it
o Not spending time with God
o Neglecting Godly friendships
o Wasting time
o Not taking care of yourself
o Focusing on the negatives
o Ect.
· Admit it to God
· Accept His forgiveness
· Allow yourself to let go: of the guilt and disappointment
· Agree with what God says about you as a redeemed child of His – the King of kings
· Ask God, “what next, what today” on your journey of becoming who He created you to be

11 - Pray

Hormonal Love Affair

Don't you just love hormones? It is truly a challenge that women alone face. It is unique to our life experience. And it's one that we share, but yet each travel alone as well.

I particularly loved that as I came off a very busy December and Christmas week, slipped into a slump the first week of New Year's as I tried to reclaim order in my house, that the following week was my "hormonal" week. Instead of bouncing back after working hard to get my house in order and getting back into our routine (kind of), I slipped into a further slump. One check at the calendar told me, "Oh. That's what's going on." And I cursed hormones.

But as that week slips away and my hormones go through another shift, this time on the upswing, I'm not feeling so bad about them. As a matter of fact, I kind of like them.

And thus, goes the love/hate relationship I have with hormones. As I become more aware of them, I can work against them when they drag me down and work with them when they lift me up. I know to do what needs to be done, regardless of how I feel. I also know that sometimes a day of nothing but feeding the children and reading a good book and drinking good decaf coffee (yes, I know that's an oxymoron to some) is helpful on getting me back on track the next day.

They're not going away, but I am learning to lead my actions not based on how I feel, mostly due to my hormones, but instead to drag them along for the journey (after that cup of decaf and good book.)

Joy in Christmas

Life is busy. And then the holidays start. And life gets busier. Christmas is supposed to be a time of celebration and enjoyment, remembering the birth of Jesus and spending time with family. But often times, the extra stuff - shopping, cards, wrapping, parties, etc. - adds more stress than enjoyment to life.

If this is the case for you, I recommend stopping to catch your breath. These moments are few and far between and won't happen on their own. They have to be sought after and grabbed hold of. These are the moments you do nothing but squeeze, tickle, and play with your child. These are the moments you set aside to take your older child out shopping or for a "date." These are the moments you make cookies simply to spend time in the kitchen together. These are the moments you sit and watch a classic Christmas movie from beginning to end. These are the moments you chase the millions of things you have left to do from your mind and actually enjoy the Christmas musical at church.

We often let the extra expectations of us ruin our holiday season. Are we going to buy something that everyone likes? Did I wrap it just right? Did I forget to send a card to someone? Am I going to offend someone if I don't make it to their party? But, these are not the things Christmas is about. They are fun, or at least they are meant to be, but when they become the pull of Christmas, things have gotten out of order.

In order to find joy in Christmas, Christ has to be put first and mas has to be secondary. Otherwise, you have the proverbial cart before the horse, which will steal your joy. According to one source, mas means festival. We have lots of festivities during the Christmas season, but they tend to take over and take our focus off celebrating the birth of Jesus, the Christ child. Whenever you're not experiencing joy (during the holidays or any time of year), intentionally put your focus back on Jesus and He will give you joy.

Take time to play Christmas music, read different versions of the Christmas story, share what you're thankful for about this time of year, etc. Grab hold of the joy freely given us and go along for the ride of a lifetime!