Should you Reward your Children? II

I ended the last post with this question: If God rewards us, why would we ever withhold rewards from our children?

When we have an appropriate perspective on rewarding and motivating our children and what the proper rewards and incentives are, we allow ourselves to abundantly bless our children and ourselves, as we see them grow through positive interactions. There are many ways to reward our children and many different types of incentives available to motivate children. I think about my children when they were infants. As they learned to smile, to sit up, to crawl, to walk, I was there every step of the way cheering them on. A smile, a little clapping, and a big “yah!” was all they needed to encourage them to keep doing what they were doing and/or try a little harder to make that next step. Cheering our children on is a great way to motivate them. Children generally really do want to please their parents. Cheering for our children can come in many forms and will depend on your personality, your child’s personality, and the situation. Hugs, “way to go,” “I’m proud of you,” and “great job!” are all examples of ways to praise our children. It’s about encouraging them along when they’re getting it right and trying their best.

Time with our children and special treats are additional ways to reward them. We can take them on a special outing for good behavior or completed tasks over a period of time. We can let them choose a movie for the family to watch. We can let them pick what restaurant we’re going to eat at. We can buy them a small treat, or even have monetary rewards. It is all based on what works for your family and what motivates your child.

See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse – the blessing if you obey the commands of the LORD your God that I am giving you today; Deuteronomy 11:26-27

With rewarding children, a few more things are important to keep in mind. First, you want to keep rewards relational-heavy. That means that the non-material rewards are not the primary method of reward and incentive and shouldn’t ever become the main focus. Second, rewards should not turn into bribes for expected behavior. If we promise our children a material reward every time we expect something out of them it will be much more difficult for them to internalize their motivation. There if a fine line between rewards and bribes. The main difference is that rewards are laid out ahead of time and eventually decrease in necessity. Bribes, on the other hand, usually are promised in heat of the moment, desperate situations and the child’s requirement of them for obedience increases over time. I think specifically about the reward system for potty training. We used several different methods for our children, but the dancing and singing and “I’m proud of you” always came first. The material rewards were small (3 M&M’s, computer time, eventually a train car) and over time were eliminated. That is how rewards should work. Of course, you will always be adding rewards to teach new skills and behaviors as they grow, but those rewards should remain mostly intangible and a child’s internal motivation should be increasing as they mature.

Lastly, we, as moms, should keep in mind that perfection is never the goal for our children. We should have high expectations for our children, but should recognize that they are human (just like us) and will fail at times (just like us.) We should “expect the best of [our] kids in all situations. Encourage them to shoot for excellence but not perfectionism.” (9) We must make sure that are children don’t feel pressured to be perfect – because they will never reach perfection and will feel like failures if that’s the goal. Instead we need to focus on what our children are doing right and encourage them to strive for better and their best. Then their motivation will increase and they will take pride in doing their best in every situation.

Should you Reward your Children? I

Rewards, incentives, and positive given to children for motivation for children to make good choices is not just okay, it is an important part of effective parenting. There is a lot of debate these days about using incentives and rewards in parenting. Some believe that children should do what they are asked to do and should do because it’s the right thing to do. They believe that rewards for good behavior or completing tasks provide outward motivation, which is not the goal. We’ve already discussed that we want our children to mature and develop internal motivation. This is true for making right choices, as well as for things like working hard. However, as I discussed previously, our job as parents is to provide outside motivation until our children become internally motivated. If we take a step back and look at our children in a little different light, it may help us in understanding clearly what rewards, incentives, and bonuses are and why they are important.

First, it’s important to look at the nature of our children. There are different perspectives on human nature. One theory believes that people are inherently good and are corrupted by circumstances. One believes that children are blank slates and develop according to their environment. Another believes that people are inherently evil (sinful) and need to be trained to be good. A Biblical perspective tells us that we are born with a natural inclination to sin, a result of the fall in Eden, have a unique personality that effects how we interact with our environment, and are effected by our circumstances. In essence, this means that children do not naturally lean toward righteousness, need outward motivation to do what is right, and interact with how they are parented according to their God-given personality.

Second, it’s important to recognize that God models rewards and incentives for right behavior. As we discussed in the beginning of the chapter, we talked about the importance of obedience and how God rewards obedience and punishes disobedience. The Israelite nation is given rewards in prosperity and peace when they obey God and worship Him. We are promised the reward of the fruit of the Spirit as we seek God, love, worship, and obey Him. In the parable of the talents Jesus compares the kingdom of heaven to a man who rewards his servants with added responsibility and shared happiness.

“His master replied ‘Well done good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” Matthew 25:23

Paul tells us in Romans that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” (8:28a)

John tells us that “God’s love is truly made complete” in us when we obey God’s Word, of which being filled and complete in God through Christ is the ultimate reward. (1 John 2:5)

Looking at God’s Word not only tells us that rewarding obedience is not only an essential part of parenting, but also what those rewards should focus on. There are times that God rewards us materially. He does want us to prosper in the sense that we have everything we need materially and often even more than just what we need. But He most definitely does not want our material rewards to become our focus or motivation for righteous behavior. God is much more concerned with the state of our heart and His Word talks much more about a prosperity of spirit. God rewards us with healing of body and spirit, peace, forgiveness, reconciliation, joy, strength, endurance, self-control, spiritual gifts, and, of course, eternal life. This list could go on and on. It only takes a small amount of time in scripture to recognize the rewards God gives us “pressed down, shaken together and running over.”(Luke 6:38)

If God rewards us, why would we ever withhold rewards from our children?

Guiding and Conduction I

The next step in teaching our children is acting as a conductor. Just as a conductor guides an orchestra who has been taught through modeling and verbally teaching, we too are to guide our children. Guiding is showing our children how to do something by working along side with them. Children learn a lot by seeing and hearing, but even more by doing. It’s kind of like teaching a child to ride a bike. They see other people doing it, we explain how to do it, and we put them on the bike and hang on while they work at getting it. We’re right there beside them the whole way.

We should also work and walk along side them as we teach them things like respect, responsibility, integrity, patience, and faith in addition to teaching them things like the value of hard work, taking care of material possessions, and everyday tasks.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my research for this chapter is the importance of working along side of my children. I’m a fairly independent person (yes, despite my knowing the importance of living interdependently) and work hard at raising my children to be self-sufficient. As I read Merrill, the following statement really caught my attention and has changed how I interact with my children when I’m having them complete their chores. Merrill states that children “are generally far more motivated when their parents work with them rather than expecting them to work alone.” And if our children’s motivation isn’t enough, he further adds that as we “labor side by side with a child, (we) have a nearly unparalleled opportunity to model, mentor, listen to, express love for, and relate to that child in meaningful ways.” I don’t know about you, but I most certainly want to take advantage of those opportunities. I’m learning by working hard my children may respect me, but by working along side them they learn that I respect them, and that motivates them to work with me, obey me, and maintain a relationship with me.

It’s easy as moms to get distracted by the responsibilities that we have and forget this step in the process of teaching our children things. However, if we make the decision to intentionally guide them through things, we can accomplish more ourselves in addition to more effectively instill values and teach our children specific tasks. We should guide our children in chores, learning, relationships, spiritual growth, and fun activities. Telling children not to argue lets them know that arguing is unacceptable, but it doesn’t tell them how to handle conflicts. Telling a child to be patient lets them know that patience is valued and expected, but it doesn’t tell them how to wait patiently. Telling a child to clean their room may feel overwhelming unless their shown how to do it and worked with to do it. Telling a child to do their prayers or read their Bible gives values to these spiritual disciplines, but doesn’t let them know how. For a negative behavior to be stopped effectively, it must be replaced with positive behaviors. For positive behaviors to increase and be valued, we need to walk them through the process of those behaviors.

Instructive Discipline

In order to properly discipline our children, we must have a proper understanding of discipline. When people think about discipline they generally think about correcting or punishing children for wrong behavior. They think about spankings and time-outs and revoking of privileges. However, discipline involves much, much more than correction. It involves discipling our children’s hearts and teaching them everything they need to know for life. Discipline is as much about teaching right behaviors as it is eliminating negative behaviors. In all of our actions as parents we should come from a frame of reference of what is in the child’s best interest. The goals of discipline are to direct a child to make good decisions, develop right thinking, and integrate right motives into their heart. As parents we teach them these skills through words and actions and create boundaries around them as they develop these skills themselves. We provide the outside motivation for making good choices until the child develops internal motivation to make good decisions – which comes in steps and requires love, diligence, and growing with our child.

As I said in the beginning of this chapter, I often fall short in disciplining my children in the right way with the right heart. There are days I’m extremely tired and have a shorter temper. There are times I get upset because one of my children interrupted my schedule. There are times I discipline in anger because I’ve been defied or ignored. But just as our children grow and develop as we correct them and teach them to do right in mind, heart, and body, so also will God work in us. If we let Him lead us and guide us as we lead and guide our children, we will grow as parents. As I seek God to give me the strength, knowledge and wisdom I need to parent my children in the way they need me to, I see myself becoming more patient, longer-tempered, and less selfish. My parenting decisions become less about me and more (truly) about them. I am learning to love them with an agape love, which is always in their best interest, even (and especially) when it’s not the easy way to go.

Your Parenting Partner

In the rest of the posts on parenting you will find the core principles of parenting. But please remember that you and God are partners in this parenting deal. He did not give you your children and then abandon you and wish you the best of luck. He is right in it with you.

Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Psalm 25:4-5

We have a great responsibility as parents, but as we meet that responsibility we can rely on, trust in, and lean on God to both help us and work in our children’s hearts. Our job is to seek God’s will for our children and rely on His guidance and strength to follow through on the day-to-day duties of being a mom.

God is the Ultimate Parent and has clearly laid out the principles of parenting through Scripture. The first principle is loving discipline. It’s important that we recognize that everything we do is working towards training our children in love. This includes discipline. God always disciplines us as his children because He loves us and has our best interest at heart and we are to do the same for our children.

For the LORD corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights. Psalm 3:12

Parenting with Purpose

Many parents, however, do not keep these things (the who, what, when, where, why, and how) in mind as they parent their children. Parenting is often done in a fly by the seat of your pants kind of way. Issues are addressed the moment they arise. There’s no main goal or purpose in parenting and there’s no forethought and planning. Parents often seem to be just trying to survive the current stage and make it until their children get old enough to move out. Children in these families are often not disciplined or not disciplined correctly and parents end up feeling burdened and overwhelmed. Parenting is not supposed to be a burden, however. It is supposed to be a joy. That’s not to say that parenting is or should be easy. Quite the contrary, parenting is hard work. But, as with any gift that’s truly worth something, children come with the responsibility to take care of them. It is up to us to embrace parenting with a joyful heart and enjoy the journey of ups and downs.

There are many parenting philosophies out there to help parents be effective in their job, but most of them focus on developing well-behaved children. The focus is on external behavior and on molding independent, self-sufficient, contributing members of society. Although not bad goals, the true “challenge of every Christian parent is to bring up children who love God with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strength; who have a vibrant, personal relationship with the Lord Jesus; and who’s lives will be bright and shining lights, penetrating the darkness around them.” (Bruce Johnson, Family Life Today)

In parenting, “behavior is not the basic issue. The basic issue is always what is going on in the heart.” Tedd Tripp

Parenting isn’t just about raising good children who do good things, but raising adults who have a heart for Christ that manifests itself in outward actions. This has to be done intentionally.

When we teach our children to go potty, we do it intentionally. When we teach our children to read, we do it intentionally. When we teach our children to drive, we do it intentionally. When teaching children these types of lessons there tends to be time set aside, specific instructions, often books read to assist in training, and sometimes even other adults corralled in to help. Although traits such as respect, obedience, taking care of material possessions, patience, responsibility, integrity, and fairness are important, it is often assumed that children will just kind of pick up these traits by osmosis. The same is often true about faith in God. Many parents believe that if they set the right example for their children, their children will make the right decisions. Other parents believe that they can set whatever example they feel like but as long as they tell their children the right thing to do their children will follow the rules (we’ve all heard the biggest lie in parenting – ‘do as I say and not as I do’.) Many parents believe that discipline is the key to good parenting, but miss out on the true purpose of discipline and end up alienating their children. Other parents believe that their children will do the right things if they love them enough and end up with grown children who have no respect for authority or skills for life. There are many mistakes that we can (and will) make in parenting. And in our present culture we have additional challenges than have parents of previous generations. Parenting can seem like a daunting task when we look at it full on, but if we stay focused on our goals as parents and decide to be intentional about the way we parent, with God’s guidance and help, we will be successful.

Just say "No"

Most of us moms remember this anti-drug campaign. I think it's safe to say that it's impact on youth was minimal. Yet, I think it's usefulness in parenting is unlimited.

One of the things I've observed as both a mom and a family counselor is that saying "no" to children is one of the most difficult things for parents to do. Even I (who've been called a real hard-nosed parent) have a hard time occasionally. Why is that?

I think it's because we love our children, want the best for them and want them to be happy. The problem comes in when what they believe will make them happy is not the thing that is best for them. One example of this is letting them eat what they want. They believe that eating sweets all the time, or before meals is what will make them happy. But we know it's not best for them. Another example is letting them hang out with friends of drastically different value systems. They may genuinely love these friends, but their influence may be devastating to our child's decision-making.

The problem and process of saying "no" starts in toddlerhood and doesn't end until --- well, sometimes ever. The problem is that it often hurts us as moms - and causes us to have to give up something - to say "no." We know we'll have to deal with the whining, fussing, and arguing. We don't want to deal with it. The process of saying "no" is knowing what to say it to and being able to back it up. The first part, we can only make the decision personally. What is important enough/necessary to say "no" to. The second part is ultra-important. If you're not going to back it up, don't even think about saying "no."

I've had my share of whininess, fussiness, and arguing. I have one child who screams at the top of her lungs when I say "no" to the 'wrong thing.' But, I've learned, if I simply hand on (sometimes 3 minutes, sometimes 30), it will pass and things will be all right again. I've also learned to discipline the whininess, fussiness, and arguing in and of themselves. If you're doing that when I tell you "no", you're not respecting me nor being obedient, and that's a punishable offence.

It hurts to take away priviledges from our children. It hurts to enforce negative consequences and see them upset. But, the natural consequences of their disobeying become much more dangerous as they get older. So, I'll stick with saying "no" when necessary - and praying for guidance on when to.