Rules of a Healthy Marriage VI

Forgiveness. Your husband will irritate you, frustrate you and hurt you. After all, he’s only human. When these things happen, however, you have a choice to make. You either hold onto it and let it build a divide between you and your husband or you let it go, forgive him and add to the bond you have with him. Forgiveness is always the best choice: for you, for him, and for your marriage.

Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out. Proverbs 17: 14

You may be thinking, “but what he did was wrong! And I’m supposed to just forgive him?” Yes. And no. We are called to always forgive, but there’s nothing that says forgiveness is easy or simple. Often it’s not a matter of “just forgiving.” It’s about processing, dealing with, and forgiving.

If the source of conflict is minor (an irritating habit, being late, viewing things differently) then it may be as much about changing expectations so they’re more realistic and accept your husband’s short-comings as it is about forgiveness. There is an element of forgiveness, however. You may need to forgive him for disappointing you. You may need to forgive him for not holding to his word. You may need to forgive him for not being perfect. Although these instances are generally minor, they add up when they’re held on to.

Even small offenses and conflicts it’s essential to your relationship to forgive and let go. You may need to deal with some of these issues together. You may need to decide that things are the way they are, that they’re not that big of a deal, and choose not to let them bother you. At first letting go even of little things takes a conscious effort and practice. But with practice, forgiving the little things and letting them go becomes easier and easier.

Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers overall wrongs. Proverbs 10:12

Bigger issues take a little more of a process to forgive. Once the hurt has been acknowledged (which sometimes happens immediately, and at other times happens more slowly), the wrong action that caused the hurt needs to be acknowledged as wrong. Because you choose the past of forgiveness doesn’t mean a wrong action is okay or is to be overlooked. It does mean that you choose not to hold that action against your husband once it’s dealt with and forgiven. If you define who your spouse is by this action, use it to manipulate him, or bring it up at a later time, forgiveness hasn’t occurred. It will likely take discussing the issue with your husband, may take talking it through with a trusted third party (e.g. pastor, counselor), and it will definitely take prayer. The process may be quick, or it may be slow, but it is essential to having a healthy marriage.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

To Balance Me Out

My post last Friday was bluntly honest about one of my most frustrating faults - forgetfulness. As I was walking early in the morning (in the perfect 63 degrees late summer, early morning air), God brought something to my attention. Although I may be forgetful, He is not. He's never forgotten anyone. ANYONE. EVER.

That is a thought that I could sit and mediate on for a while. Instead, this morning, I walked and thought about it. God not only knows each of us, but He knows every hair on our head, our hearts, and our thoughts. And He still loves us. Still offers complete forgiveness for ever time we have sinned either by commission or ommission. He forgave me for forgetting my neighbor over 2000 years ago as His very own blood was flowing from the body He chose to put His Spirit in for 33 years.

He knew each mistake I was going to make before He ever called me to love Him, serve Him, and start my own ministry. He also knew that I would fight my flesh to become obedient to Him. And that's why I think He's allowed me all the priveleges He has.

So, as you look at yourself and those around you - how so very far short we fall from perfection - remember that there is a perfect, all-knowing, all-powerful God who loves You. Allow that information to help you gird up your garments and continue to run the race He has set before you, not growing weary in doing good.

Imperfectly In Him

This is how I signed an email recently. I was up early and trying to get a million things done before my precious (busy, needy) children woke up. I was sending out some emails, and since two of them were for the same thing, I reused the first email to do the second. Only, while I was in the midst of it I heard by baby (now 1, but still a baby) wake up and begin fussing for me. I thought, "Let me get this finished. Then, if she doesn't go back to sleep, at least I'll have it done." So I rushed through it and forgot to change something. Something that made it obvious that it was a copy. I realized it (with an audible groan) while I was nursing. Little one did go back to bed and back to sleep. I headed back to the computer and whipped up a new email.

I humbly apologized and explained what happened. In the end, 'sincerely' or 'thank you' or any other salutation didn't feel right. Suddenly (it must have been God-inspired) the phrase 'Imperfectly In Him' hit me. It was so true and the most appropriate thing I could have said. And what do you know? Out of the two emails I sent, this was the one I heard back from immediately - and it was positive (I am tentatively booked for 4 MOPS speaking engagments!)

What else I got out of it was the reinforcement of a lesson God is constantly teaching me: how imperfect I am. Not that I ever thought I was perfect, but I most definitely have not always seen myself through God's eyes.

I've been familiar with Romans 3:23 for a long time - "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" - but sometimes I see only certain things as sin.I judge myself more by the worlds standards than by God's. However, as my vision of myself becomes clearer and clearer, I grasp not only that God made me "wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14), but I am a sinner, dead in my sin, except for the grace poured out on my by God.

Last Bit of Weed Picking

There's one last thing about getting rid of the weeds of your life that I cannot leave out: Forgiveness. It is hard, but absolutely necessary. And we all have someone to forgive.

If you don't choose to forgive those who have planted the weeds in your life, it is like planting your own.

My children love working in the garden with me. Sometimes they weed. Sometimes they water my plants. Sometimes they dig and play. One day, they decided to make their own garden in the area I hadn't planted anything yet. They dug and pulled little weeds and had a great time. Then, in the middle of their working area, they planted a tall, not too bad looking weed. They were very proud of that weed in "their" garden. That's what unforgiveness is like. It's like planting a weed that looks harmless, but produces no fruit and will steal nutrients from the things in our lives that are meant to produce fruit.

The first step to forgiveness is recognizing what forgiveness truly is. And is not. Forgiveness is not saying that the harm someone caused is okay. In our house, when an offense is committed, the offending party has to say, "I'm sorry I ...." The receiving party is not allowed to say, "It's okay." Instead, they are to say, "I forgive you." I learned this when my oldest two were very young. I don't want the offending party to think that what they did was okay. It wasn't! Instead, I wanted to teach them to forgive, letting go of the offense and not holding the other party in blame forever.

That's not to say that the offending party doesn't have consequences. Forgiving doesn't mean we act like it didn't happen. It simply means we're not going to hold on the the negative feelings associated with the offense. After all, who does that hurt? The offending party, or the offended? Not forgiving means reinjuring the one who got hurt with negative feelings and thoughts. The one who did the offense is by then off and playing and care free.

Forgiveness allows you to say that something happened, it was not right, it was hurtful, but you're not going to hold on to that hurt.

Recognizing that we too have done things wrong and hurt others will help us forgive. As we accept the forgiveness that others, and mostly God, have given us, we can more easily forgive others. "Forgiveness is... a decision; I choose to forgive. Obeying God. Taking responsibility for my actions and attitudes. Choosing ot live God's love, joy, and peace." (12 Steps to Becoming a More Organized Mom: Positive and Practical Tips for Busy Moms, by Lane P. Jordan)

When we are hurt, we have a choice. We don't have a choice about being hurt, but we have a choice about holding on to that hurt or letting it go. When we choose to let it go, we relieve ourselves of "the burdens of bitterness and resentment and lay them at the feet of Jesus, one who understands and even bears our suffering and pain." (The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars: Who Decides What Makes a Good Mother, by Miriam Peskowitz)

Isaiah 53:5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.

Luke 4:14-21 Jesus returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit, and news about him spread through the whole countryside. He taught in their synagogues, and everyone praised him.
He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. And he stood up to read. The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written: "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, and he began by saying to them, "Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing."

1 Peter 2:24He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.