Communicating

Before you get too overwhelmed with the responsibility of representing God to your children, let me move to the second tool in parenting. This tool is chatter. Chatter means keeping the lines of communication open with our children. We are to talk with them about everything, at any time, any place. We are to talk with them when things are going right. We are to talk with them when things are going wrong. We are to talk with them about casual, every day topics. We are to talk with them about deep, intense, difficult topics. We are to talk to them at home, over homework, over a meal, in the car, on the phone, and in their rooms. Notice I said talk with them. Healthy communication is always goes two ways (at least.) And healthy relationships are only built using the building block of healthy communication.

Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Deuteronomy 11:19

I observed the importance of communication in relationships between parents and children first as a family counselor. Over and over I was seeing the phenomena of good people who somehow as parents were producing disrespectful, rude, children who didn’t exhibit the values the parents obviously believed in. Some of these parents had fallen short in their ability (or willingness) to discipline their children. But others had consistently set and maintained appropriate boundaries. As I continued to observe these families it became clear that these parents weren’t effectively communicating with their child.

Oh, many of them thought that they were communicating. They were very good at verbalizing their beliefs, values, and rules. As a matter of fact, some of them had it down so well that their child didn’t hear them anymore. What they were doing was talking to their child, not with their child. It was almost like they got stuck in a mode of parenting when their child couldn’t communicate very well and needed constant supervision and reminders.

When children are very young (toddlers, preschoolers) information needs to be repeated. Parents often feel like broken records. During this phase of parenting we need to repeat rules again and again because of the developmental capabilities of a child to understand and remember them from day to day (and sometimes minute to minute.) Just because we have to talk to our children a lot more when they are little doesn’t mean that we can’t also talk with them. Young children notice everything and ask questions about everything. Don’t let yourself get tired of the seemingly-never-ending line of questioning. Instead see them as golden opportunities. Our children naturally create the perfect set up for building mutual communication with us. As we answer their questions we are not only teaching them about us and the world around them, we are also taking advantage of an opportunity to get to know more about our children. Even children who are very young are able (and very willing) to share their opinions and desires with us. We open the lines of communication as we ask them questions and listen to their answers and listen to their questions and provide respectful/relevant answers. When we talk to or lecture our children we are trying to get them to understand us (whether it’s a toddler or a teenager), but that’s not what true communication is all about. As we learn to communicate with our child, we are stacking essential, foundational blocks to our relationship with them.

I really can’t say enough about the importance of healthy, effective communication between parents and children. Again God is the Ultimate Parent. He has communicated with His children in a variety of ways from the beginning of human time. He has walked with us, whispered in our ears, roared through the thunder, called us through the prophets, expressed His love through His Son, given us the written Word, and invited us to dialogue with Him through prayer. In know how to communicate with our children, we can always look to and ask Him for guidance. Just as God communicates with us in many ways, we too can communicate with our children in many ways and for many different purposes. Our opportunities to communicate - in a variety of ways - are endless.

When a child asks about traffic and expresses impatience, it’s a golden opportunity to talk about patience. To tell them that patience isn’t waiting, but how we wait. And since we can’t make the traffic move, let’s do something fun like sing songs. When they comment on how busy you are with chores, it’s the perfect opportunity to talk about every one pitching in to help and having a positive attitude while getting the not-so-fun things done. When a child asks about that person at the store that wasn’t very nice, it’s a wonderful time to talk about being kind to people regardless of how they act, and that we never know what’s going on with someone to make them behave in an unkind manner. When a family member dies, it’s a perfect opportunity to talk to about eternity and God’s gift of forgiveness offered through His Son. When a child is scared, it’s a perfect opportunity to talk through their fears and pray with them about their fear. When a child tries really hard, it’s an ideal time to encourage them and praise their efforts. Teachable moments are almost limitless once mommy’s radar is tuned into them.

The Importance of Obedience

With everything said about discipline having the goal of instructing our children, I must say that I have become convinced that the most important principle that we should instruct them in is obedience – in actions and attitudes.

“If we are going to raise a generation of faithful children to live righteous lives, they must begin by learning to obey their parents.” John MacArthur

One thing that gets said a lot in our house is, “Are you being obedient or disobedient?” As I’ve grown as a parent and a child of God I have come to understand that obedience is key. Experience has taught me that obedience brings rewards and disobedience costs dearly. Throughout the Bible God is constantly instructing His children to be obedient, rewards those who are, and punishes those who aren’t. Some may see this as unfair or unloving, but a clear understanding of God’s law gives us a clear understanding of His requirement for obedience. His law (rules, covenant,) is for our benefit. If we obey His law we can avoid the negative consequences of sin. It doesn’t take long to see that breaking God’s law (specifically the Ten Commandments) hurts relationships, either with God, with others, with ourselves, or all of the above. His law is to protect us and guide us to the rewards of healthy relationships.

As I read through the Bible with my children I get a snapshot look at the main stories and clearly see the theme of positive consequences for obedience and negative consequences for disobedience. We, like God, should love our children too much to let them continue down the wrong paths. God has put us in a position of authority over our children not so that we can rule over them but so that we can shepherd them. As their shepherd, we guide them, help them understand themselves as wonderfully and miraculously made by God, and plant a love of God and His Word in their hearts. Obedience is not something, however, we can command or punish them into. When children obey out of fear, it is only outward. It’s when obedience is rooted in love and trust that right actions come from right motives and with a right heart. Just as our willing obedience to God is a result of a loving relationship with Him, our children should willingly obey us as a result of a loving relationship with us.

Obedience needs to be taught in a loving environment. We do this by lovingly correcting them through allowing natural consequences when appropriate and enforcing logical consequences when natural consequences would be extremely harmful.

Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right…Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:1, 4

I make it clear to my children that I expect them to obey me, even in the little things, and I explain to them that the reason it’s important to obey because it’s Mommy and Daddy’s job to keep them safe. They must obey in the little things because it makes obedience a habit. If I let my child get away with little instances of disobedience at home, then he’s not likely to listen to me out in public when I want him to hold my hand or stop on command before running out in a parking lot. Letting children know that we expect them to obey because we love them and have their best interest at heart is a part of not exasperating them. Another part of that is how we conduct ourselves when we create boundaries and handle situations when they disobey. In everything we do and in everything we say, our love for them should be conveyed – by our tone, by the expression on our face, and by the words we choose to use.

Instructive Discipline

In order to properly discipline our children, we must have a proper understanding of discipline. When people think about discipline they generally think about correcting or punishing children for wrong behavior. They think about spankings and time-outs and revoking of privileges. However, discipline involves much, much more than correction. It involves discipling our children’s hearts and teaching them everything they need to know for life. Discipline is as much about teaching right behaviors as it is eliminating negative behaviors. In all of our actions as parents we should come from a frame of reference of what is in the child’s best interest. The goals of discipline are to direct a child to make good decisions, develop right thinking, and integrate right motives into their heart. As parents we teach them these skills through words and actions and create boundaries around them as they develop these skills themselves. We provide the outside motivation for making good choices until the child develops internal motivation to make good decisions – which comes in steps and requires love, diligence, and growing with our child.

As I said in the beginning of this chapter, I often fall short in disciplining my children in the right way with the right heart. There are days I’m extremely tired and have a shorter temper. There are times I get upset because one of my children interrupted my schedule. There are times I discipline in anger because I’ve been defied or ignored. But just as our children grow and develop as we correct them and teach them to do right in mind, heart, and body, so also will God work in us. If we let Him lead us and guide us as we lead and guide our children, we will grow as parents. As I seek God to give me the strength, knowledge and wisdom I need to parent my children in the way they need me to, I see myself becoming more patient, longer-tempered, and less selfish. My parenting decisions become less about me and more (truly) about them. I am learning to love them with an agape love, which is always in their best interest, even (and especially) when it’s not the easy way to go.

Just say "No"

Most of us moms remember this anti-drug campaign. I think it's safe to say that it's impact on youth was minimal. Yet, I think it's usefulness in parenting is unlimited.

One of the things I've observed as both a mom and a family counselor is that saying "no" to children is one of the most difficult things for parents to do. Even I (who've been called a real hard-nosed parent) have a hard time occasionally. Why is that?

I think it's because we love our children, want the best for them and want them to be happy. The problem comes in when what they believe will make them happy is not the thing that is best for them. One example of this is letting them eat what they want. They believe that eating sweets all the time, or before meals is what will make them happy. But we know it's not best for them. Another example is letting them hang out with friends of drastically different value systems. They may genuinely love these friends, but their influence may be devastating to our child's decision-making.

The problem and process of saying "no" starts in toddlerhood and doesn't end until --- well, sometimes ever. The problem is that it often hurts us as moms - and causes us to have to give up something - to say "no." We know we'll have to deal with the whining, fussing, and arguing. We don't want to deal with it. The process of saying "no" is knowing what to say it to and being able to back it up. The first part, we can only make the decision personally. What is important enough/necessary to say "no" to. The second part is ultra-important. If you're not going to back it up, don't even think about saying "no."

I've had my share of whininess, fussiness, and arguing. I have one child who screams at the top of her lungs when I say "no" to the 'wrong thing.' But, I've learned, if I simply hand on (sometimes 3 minutes, sometimes 30), it will pass and things will be all right again. I've also learned to discipline the whininess, fussiness, and arguing in and of themselves. If you're doing that when I tell you "no", you're not respecting me nor being obedient, and that's a punishable offence.

It hurts to take away priviledges from our children. It hurts to enforce negative consequences and see them upset. But, the natural consequences of their disobeying become much more dangerous as they get older. So, I'll stick with saying "no" when necessary - and praying for guidance on when to.