The next “rule” of a healthy marriage is that it takes commitment. Commitment is a characteristic that is not revered in our culture. It is more likely to be made fun of and attributed to inconsequential items. Commercials constantly encourage people to make a lifetime commitment to a brand of car, or phone company, or even a sandwich. In reality of how we live, however, people rarely stay committed to things that really matter. The divorce rate for first marriages has been holding steady at about fifty percent for several decades now. “Til death do us part” has become “until I don’t feel like it anymore.”
Any time we enter into something without the mindset of being committed to it, we are much less likely to put effort into it and much more likely to quit. I remember planning a group with some co-counselors several years back. We discussed offering the group for free or charging a minimal fee. One of the counselors shared a study that found that participants in programs were more likely to attend more sessions and complete the program if they had something invested in it, even if it was just fifteen dollars. The more you have invested in something, the more committed you are to it. The more committed you are to something, the more you’ll invest in it. It’s a positive cycle that holds true in marriage.
The commitment part it your mindset. Most people have the mindset of being committed to their spouse when they get married, or they probably wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. But somehow over time and through difficult circumstances people begin to lose the “forever” mindset and start thinking that it might be better if the marriage ended. As soon as these thoughts start, the spiral towards divorce begins. Even though there is never a point of no return, it’s better to stop the spiral before it gets started.
Everyone has bad days, arguments, and negative thoughts. The key is to focus on the good days, argue less and more effectively, and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. This is an overflow from having the right perspective, but our thoughts about our spouse and commitment to our marriage are closely linked. If we reaffirm our commitment to our spouse with positive thoughts about our marriage (thinking about the good parts of the marriage, the positive traits of our husband, and the fact that we thought enough about him at one time to make the commitment of a lifetime) we are more likely to put effort into our relationship with him. As we put effort into the relationship, we will begin to reap the rewards of marriage and feel more committed to it. Each of these things are a piece of the puzzle which helps to make up the whole picture of a healthy marriage.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, November 15, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Another “rule” of a healthy marriage is that it takes a proper perspective. Being aware of our thoughts, words, and actions is a large part of having the proper perspective. In the first chapter the importance of being conscience of and choosing a positive perspective was introduced. In the subsequent chapters the concept of perspective has been expanded on. The importance of perspective that we have in any given circumstance and any given relationship cannot be overstated. When looking at people who crumble under difficult circumstances compared to those who seem to persevere and become stronger, the tangible difference is perspective. The same is true for relationships, especially marriages. Marriages don’t fail because someone had an affair, there are financial troubles, or people just grew apart. Marriages fail because husbands and wives began having thoughts like, “I can’t take this anymore,” “I can’t stand the way she…,” “He’ll never change,” or “I’ll never live up to his/her expectations, so why even try.” Instead of brushing these thoughts out the door with the rest of the trash, they were allowed to take root and cultivated, watered and given light to grow until they overtake the healthy, positive thoughts that used to reside in the minds of spouses.
In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, John Gottman states it this way. “It’s hardly surprising that what you think about someone often determines how you’ll treat them. But when it comes to marriage, this simple truth has huge consequences. The assumptions you make about your spouse and your relationship can determine the state of your marriage’s health. Marital problems easily arise if your thoughts and feelings are distorted.” So what are distorted thoughts and feelings? How do we know if they’re distorted?
In his book, Gottman gives examples of how given the same situation different people will react differently. Those reactions, whether positive , neutral, or negative, begin in our thoughts. What we think about a person and the situation – what we perceive are the motives and feelings behind what the other person is doing – effects how we will act and react. It’s good to regularly take stock of your relationship with your husband. Are most of your interactions positive or negative? When you think about your husband, do you focus on everything he doesn’t do, or does wrong? Or do you focus on the things he does for you and the kids? When talking about him and to him do you build him up or tear him down? It’s good to ask yourself these questions regularly. As you answer them, measure your answers against a Biblical perspective of marriage. A Biblical perspective can be obtained and maintained through completing women’s Bible Studies and searching scripture for what it has to say about marriage and relationships.
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Philippians 4:8
In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, John Gottman states it this way. “It’s hardly surprising that what you think about someone often determines how you’ll treat them. But when it comes to marriage, this simple truth has huge consequences. The assumptions you make about your spouse and your relationship can determine the state of your marriage’s health. Marital problems easily arise if your thoughts and feelings are distorted.” So what are distorted thoughts and feelings? How do we know if they’re distorted?
In his book, Gottman gives examples of how given the same situation different people will react differently. Those reactions, whether positive , neutral, or negative, begin in our thoughts. What we think about a person and the situation – what we perceive are the motives and feelings behind what the other person is doing – effects how we will act and react. It’s good to regularly take stock of your relationship with your husband. Are most of your interactions positive or negative? When you think about your husband, do you focus on everything he doesn’t do, or does wrong? Or do you focus on the things he does for you and the kids? When talking about him and to him do you build him up or tear him down? It’s good to ask yourself these questions regularly. As you answer them, measure your answers against a Biblical perspective of marriage. A Biblical perspective can be obtained and maintained through completing women’s Bible Studies and searching scripture for what it has to say about marriage and relationships.
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Philippians 4:8
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Rules of a Healthy Marriage I
Rules for a Healthy Marriage
The first rule of a healthy marriage is that it takes work. Sometimes marriage takes grueling, sweat-inducing, grimy work. One of the biggest lies that our culture produces and cultivates is that if a relationship is built on true love it will naturally grow and always be wonderful. The problem is that there is only one true love, and that is the love of Christ. Any other love is imperfect. Imperfect people love imperfectly. Times will come when we don’t feel very loved or very much like loving. It’s those times especially that we have a choice to make. We can decide to make the effort and continue to act in loving ways, or we can let our feelings rule our actions. It takes a choice to treat someone in a loving manner when we don’t feel like it. This is when love feels like work. And it is. But just as we are rewarded by other work we do when we don’t feel like it (whether it is actually going to work and getting a paycheck, or cleaning the house and enjoying the peaceful atmosphere, or working in the yard and enjoying the beauty of it) we will be rewarded every time we choose to act out of love.
Work in marriage also comes into play because our lives our busy. The first chapter of this book laid the foundation of the importance of prioritizing and focusing on the most important things. In our culture, and especially when children arrive, a healthy, happy marriage will not just happen. It’s very easy to get busy, get distracted and forget to feed your marriage. Working in your marriage, therefore, also means taking time and making time for your marriage. This may mean planning regular dates, turning the TV off once in a while to talk (about big and little things), going for a walk together, sitting down over the budget, giving small gifts, intentionally giving words of affirmation, cooking a favorite meal, or whatever it seems your relationship needs at the moment or on an ongoing basis. Each relationship, just like each person, is unique and has unique needs. But every relationship needs to be cared for and fed.
One additional thing I feel the need to mention in this section is a complaint that women often make. The complaint is: why is it my job to put in all the effort/work into the marriage? The answer is pretty straight forward. It’s not our job as the wife to be the only one working in the marriage. Marriage is made up of two people and takes effort on two people’s part. Contrary to popular belief, however, it is rarely, if ever, a 50-50 venture. When we expect it to be and try to keep score, we generally find ourselves frustrated, upset, and feeling negative about the relationship. We instead would benefit greatly from willingly and joyfully putting effort into our relationship with our husband. This doesn’t absolve him from also putting effort in. But we’re not responsible for what he does. We’re responsible for what we do. We are to make sure that our thoughts, words, and actions are in line with God’s will and word. When we as wives do that, it is amazing how much our feelings and attitude toward our husband will become more and more positive. And as we become more positive in our relationship, invariably, so will our husband.
The first rule of a healthy marriage is that it takes work. Sometimes marriage takes grueling, sweat-inducing, grimy work. One of the biggest lies that our culture produces and cultivates is that if a relationship is built on true love it will naturally grow and always be wonderful. The problem is that there is only one true love, and that is the love of Christ. Any other love is imperfect. Imperfect people love imperfectly. Times will come when we don’t feel very loved or very much like loving. It’s those times especially that we have a choice to make. We can decide to make the effort and continue to act in loving ways, or we can let our feelings rule our actions. It takes a choice to treat someone in a loving manner when we don’t feel like it. This is when love feels like work. And it is. But just as we are rewarded by other work we do when we don’t feel like it (whether it is actually going to work and getting a paycheck, or cleaning the house and enjoying the peaceful atmosphere, or working in the yard and enjoying the beauty of it) we will be rewarded every time we choose to act out of love.
Work in marriage also comes into play because our lives our busy. The first chapter of this book laid the foundation of the importance of prioritizing and focusing on the most important things. In our culture, and especially when children arrive, a healthy, happy marriage will not just happen. It’s very easy to get busy, get distracted and forget to feed your marriage. Working in your marriage, therefore, also means taking time and making time for your marriage. This may mean planning regular dates, turning the TV off once in a while to talk (about big and little things), going for a walk together, sitting down over the budget, giving small gifts, intentionally giving words of affirmation, cooking a favorite meal, or whatever it seems your relationship needs at the moment or on an ongoing basis. Each relationship, just like each person, is unique and has unique needs. But every relationship needs to be cared for and fed.
One additional thing I feel the need to mention in this section is a complaint that women often make. The complaint is: why is it my job to put in all the effort/work into the marriage? The answer is pretty straight forward. It’s not our job as the wife to be the only one working in the marriage. Marriage is made up of two people and takes effort on two people’s part. Contrary to popular belief, however, it is rarely, if ever, a 50-50 venture. When we expect it to be and try to keep score, we generally find ourselves frustrated, upset, and feeling negative about the relationship. We instead would benefit greatly from willingly and joyfully putting effort into our relationship with our husband. This doesn’t absolve him from also putting effort in. But we’re not responsible for what he does. We’re responsible for what we do. We are to make sure that our thoughts, words, and actions are in line with God’s will and word. When we as wives do that, it is amazing how much our feelings and attitude toward our husband will become more and more positive. And as we become more positive in our relationship, invariably, so will our husband.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Rewards of Marriage II
The second reward in marriage is companionship. Our husband is supposed to be our companion. Someone to experience life with. Someone to share life with. Someone to hurt when we hurt and rejoice when we rejoice. Someone to hold our hand. Someone to stand in front of us when we need protecting, beside us when we need a friend, and behind us when we need extra support. They are a unique companion, though. Our husband has never been and is never supposed to be a girlfriend. Although we share our lives with him, it is in a unique way. When we marry our relationships with our girlfriends change, which they should. Our husband becomes our primary human relationship. However, we should not try to replace our girlfriends by treating our husband as one. I sometimes find myself sharing something with my husband that he absolutely could not care less about. It’s not because he’s uncaring or callous. It’s just something that doesn’t interest him. This usually happens when I haven’t been spending time with my girlfriends and I’m starved for adult conversation. (So, as you can see, fostering and maintaining your female friendships is actually a benefit to your relationship with your husband.) There are other ways we treat our husband as a girlfriend: in what we expect him to say, how we expect him to act, and some things we expect him to do. Dr. Laura Schlessinger states that the “major mistake women make in communication with their husbands is to imagine that their husbands are supposed to be their girlfriends.” When we do this, we are not respecting who God made this man - as a man and as an individual.
Our culture has become one which consistently demasculinates men. They aren’t respected for their differences, but instead degraded for their differences. Men and women are different. Most people realize this. What they don’t realize is that this is a good thing! I love being a woman and I love that my man is a man. As I’ve learned to accept my husband as he is (not being able to multi-task, not expressing himself verbally, not feeling things the way I do) and celebrate who he is as a man (being really good at concentrating on what he’s doing, wrapping his arms around me when I need it, being steady in almost any given situation) our relationship has grown closer and closer. Because we not only love each other, but also respect each other for who we are, who God made us, the rewards in our marriage have steadily increased.
Marriage can be, and should be, rewarding. However, those rewards don’t come automatically. You don’t have to look far and wide to see marriages in which the husband and/or wife are not reaping the rewards of marriage (even some of those which last a lifetime.) Just as with other things in life, rewards in marriage increase when we follow the plan and the rules. Many of us don’t like rules because we see them as restrictive. But rules, regulations, and laws are put in place for our protection and our benefit. The “rules” of marriage below aren’t meant to be viewed as strict “have to’s” for you to add to any list. On the contrary, they are meant to be keys that will unlock doors to a more rewarding, joyful marriage.
Our culture has become one which consistently demasculinates men. They aren’t respected for their differences, but instead degraded for their differences. Men and women are different. Most people realize this. What they don’t realize is that this is a good thing! I love being a woman and I love that my man is a man. As I’ve learned to accept my husband as he is (not being able to multi-task, not expressing himself verbally, not feeling things the way I do) and celebrate who he is as a man (being really good at concentrating on what he’s doing, wrapping his arms around me when I need it, being steady in almost any given situation) our relationship has grown closer and closer. Because we not only love each other, but also respect each other for who we are, who God made us, the rewards in our marriage have steadily increased.
Marriage can be, and should be, rewarding. However, those rewards don’t come automatically. You don’t have to look far and wide to see marriages in which the husband and/or wife are not reaping the rewards of marriage (even some of those which last a lifetime.) Just as with other things in life, rewards in marriage increase when we follow the plan and the rules. Many of us don’t like rules because we see them as restrictive. But rules, regulations, and laws are put in place for our protection and our benefit. The “rules” of marriage below aren’t meant to be viewed as strict “have to’s” for you to add to any list. On the contrary, they are meant to be keys that will unlock doors to a more rewarding, joyful marriage.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Rewards of Marriage I
So what are the rewards of marriage supposed to be? Before that question is answered, I will discuss one thing that is not a reward of marriage. Marriage is NOT supposed to be fulfilling. I’m not saying that marriage isn’t supposed to add things to your life, that’s what this whole section is about – what a healthy marriage adds to your life. What I am saying is that if you approach marriage (or any relationship) as starting with an empty cup, expecting your husband (or anyone else) to fill that cup, and keep it filled for the rest of your life, you will be greatly disappointed.
We all remember the famous line the movie Jerry McGuire: “You complete me.” Sentimental. Sweet. Charming. Completely misguided. And dangerous. The idea of needing another person to complete you will always leave you wanting. This is because we are all human and are therefore imperfect. We make mistakes. We hurt the people we love the most. We will not ever be able to provide everything that our loved ones need. To expect to be able to do so, or expect someone else to do so for us, leads us down a path of disillusion and never-ending disappointments. Instead of looking for our husband to complete us, we need to look to Christ to define who we are, to provide everything we need, and fill us up. We are to see our husband as a wonderful addition to our lives. He’s the icing on the cake.
My husband gave me the perfect Valentine’s card the first two years we were dating (yes, he gave me the same card two years in a row; without realizing it.) It talked about being perfect for each other because we complimented each other. And that’s how relationships are supposed to be. Complimentary. Thus, the first reward of marriage is not completing each other, but complimenting each other. My husband and I balance each other out very well – I have the personality tests to prove it. I am very organized (when my case of mommy brain isn’t too severe) and my husband is very flexible and spontaneous. I feel things very deeply, my husband thinks things through in a very logical way. We both love being around other people, and we both love being alone. As we have learned to appreciate and cooperate with each other in our differences instead of looking at them in a negative light, we have reaped the rewards of living in compliment to each other.
It is sometimes frustrating, however, in instances such as when I want the kids in bed on time and he’s enjoying a romp on the floor with them. On the other hand, he’s also helped me to stop watching the clock and doing chores and get on the floor for a good tickling match, too. We do sometimes clash in how we see things and how we want things done, but those are the things we work out in love. “Wives need to remind themselves that when their husbands do something differently from how they would do it themselves, it does not constitute a breach of sanity or a display of contempt, it is merely a different way to do something.”
We all remember the famous line the movie Jerry McGuire: “You complete me.” Sentimental. Sweet. Charming. Completely misguided. And dangerous. The idea of needing another person to complete you will always leave you wanting. This is because we are all human and are therefore imperfect. We make mistakes. We hurt the people we love the most. We will not ever be able to provide everything that our loved ones need. To expect to be able to do so, or expect someone else to do so for us, leads us down a path of disillusion and never-ending disappointments. Instead of looking for our husband to complete us, we need to look to Christ to define who we are, to provide everything we need, and fill us up. We are to see our husband as a wonderful addition to our lives. He’s the icing on the cake.
My husband gave me the perfect Valentine’s card the first two years we were dating (yes, he gave me the same card two years in a row; without realizing it.) It talked about being perfect for each other because we complimented each other. And that’s how relationships are supposed to be. Complimentary. Thus, the first reward of marriage is not completing each other, but complimenting each other. My husband and I balance each other out very well – I have the personality tests to prove it. I am very organized (when my case of mommy brain isn’t too severe) and my husband is very flexible and spontaneous. I feel things very deeply, my husband thinks things through in a very logical way. We both love being around other people, and we both love being alone. As we have learned to appreciate and cooperate with each other in our differences instead of looking at them in a negative light, we have reaped the rewards of living in compliment to each other.
It is sometimes frustrating, however, in instances such as when I want the kids in bed on time and he’s enjoying a romp on the floor with them. On the other hand, he’s also helped me to stop watching the clock and doing chores and get on the floor for a good tickling match, too. We do sometimes clash in how we see things and how we want things done, but those are the things we work out in love. “Wives need to remind themselves that when their husbands do something differently from how they would do it themselves, it does not constitute a breach of sanity or a display of contempt, it is merely a different way to do something.”
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Secrets to a Great Marriage
This is mainly for married women, but not just for married women. There are many things I learned about being a wife that I wished I had learned before I became one. In the more than seven years that I was in relationship with my husband before he became my husband I did and said many destructive things. I am very fortunate (and grateful) that God taught me early in my marriage what His perspective and expectations are about my attitude, words, and actions towards my husband. As with anything, it is a journey. There are days when my heart is in the right place and there are days when it is not. As I strive to follow God’s regulations for my marriage I have seen and tasted the wonderful rewards of having a Godly perspective on my marriage and of my husband. I love my husband more today than I ever thought possible.
Does it really matter? Some people may ask. With the number of single parent families today, is a healthy marriage really important to moms and their children?
The answer, unequivocally, is YES. Study after study has shown that a healthy marriage has a huge positive impact on children.
Rewards of a Healthy Marriage
Marriage is supposed to be rewarding. Marriage is supposed to be fun. Marriage is supposed to be full of love. I am often completely amazed at what God has done in my marriage. Not that it has ever been tumultuous. It’s never been rocky or in danger of ending. I can honestly say that we’ve never been even close to that point. On the contrary, by the grace of God, as good as it was in the beginning, it has steadily gotten better. My heart often overflows with love for my husband and I sit in awe at the increase of love God has added to my marriage. I never imagined that I would love my husband more and more as time passed in our marriage. I’ve seen too many marriages fall apart and studied marriage enough to know that of love does not always increase.
These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children.
Don’t get me wrong, however. I’ll never claim that my marriage is perfect. Of course it isn’t – it’s made up of two sinful, imperfect people. There have been bad moments and bad days. There are still times when I’m not really happy with my husband and he’s not really happy with me. But we have learned to work through those moments and those days and grow together. We have learned that it’s more important to focus on what’s going right than what we’re doing wrong. And we’ve learned that it takes work to maintain a healthy relationship, especially with several small children. We’ve also learned that putting the effort into our marriage is worth it. The rewards far outweigh the costs.
Does it really matter? Some people may ask. With the number of single parent families today, is a healthy marriage really important to moms and their children?
The answer, unequivocally, is YES. Study after study has shown that a healthy marriage has a huge positive impact on children.
Rewards of a Healthy Marriage
Marriage is supposed to be rewarding. Marriage is supposed to be fun. Marriage is supposed to be full of love. I am often completely amazed at what God has done in my marriage. Not that it has ever been tumultuous. It’s never been rocky or in danger of ending. I can honestly say that we’ve never been even close to that point. On the contrary, by the grace of God, as good as it was in the beginning, it has steadily gotten better. My heart often overflows with love for my husband and I sit in awe at the increase of love God has added to my marriage. I never imagined that I would love my husband more and more as time passed in our marriage. I’ve seen too many marriages fall apart and studied marriage enough to know that of love does not always increase.
These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children.
Don’t get me wrong, however. I’ll never claim that my marriage is perfect. Of course it isn’t – it’s made up of two sinful, imperfect people. There have been bad moments and bad days. There are still times when I’m not really happy with my husband and he’s not really happy with me. But we have learned to work through those moments and those days and grow together. We have learned that it’s more important to focus on what’s going right than what we’re doing wrong. And we’ve learned that it takes work to maintain a healthy relationship, especially with several small children. We’ve also learned that putting the effort into our marriage is worth it. The rewards far outweigh the costs.
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Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, November 15, 2010
Rules of a Healthy Marriage III
The next “rule” of a healthy marriage is that it takes commitment. Commitment is a characteristic that is not revered in our culture. It is more likely to be made fun of and attributed to inconsequential items. Commercials constantly encourage people to make a lifetime commitment to a brand of car, or phone company, or even a sandwich. In reality of how we live, however, people rarely stay committed to things that really matter. The divorce rate for first marriages has been holding steady at about fifty percent for several decades now. “Til death do us part” has become “until I don’t feel like it anymore.”
Any time we enter into something without the mindset of being committed to it, we are much less likely to put effort into it and much more likely to quit. I remember planning a group with some co-counselors several years back. We discussed offering the group for free or charging a minimal fee. One of the counselors shared a study that found that participants in programs were more likely to attend more sessions and complete the program if they had something invested in it, even if it was just fifteen dollars. The more you have invested in something, the more committed you are to it. The more committed you are to something, the more you’ll invest in it. It’s a positive cycle that holds true in marriage.
The commitment part it your mindset. Most people have the mindset of being committed to their spouse when they get married, or they probably wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. But somehow over time and through difficult circumstances people begin to lose the “forever” mindset and start thinking that it might be better if the marriage ended. As soon as these thoughts start, the spiral towards divorce begins. Even though there is never a point of no return, it’s better to stop the spiral before it gets started.
Everyone has bad days, arguments, and negative thoughts. The key is to focus on the good days, argue less and more effectively, and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. This is an overflow from having the right perspective, but our thoughts about our spouse and commitment to our marriage are closely linked. If we reaffirm our commitment to our spouse with positive thoughts about our marriage (thinking about the good parts of the marriage, the positive traits of our husband, and the fact that we thought enough about him at one time to make the commitment of a lifetime) we are more likely to put effort into our relationship with him. As we put effort into the relationship, we will begin to reap the rewards of marriage and feel more committed to it. Each of these things are a piece of the puzzle which helps to make up the whole picture of a healthy marriage.
Any time we enter into something without the mindset of being committed to it, we are much less likely to put effort into it and much more likely to quit. I remember planning a group with some co-counselors several years back. We discussed offering the group for free or charging a minimal fee. One of the counselors shared a study that found that participants in programs were more likely to attend more sessions and complete the program if they had something invested in it, even if it was just fifteen dollars. The more you have invested in something, the more committed you are to it. The more committed you are to something, the more you’ll invest in it. It’s a positive cycle that holds true in marriage.
The commitment part it your mindset. Most people have the mindset of being committed to their spouse when they get married, or they probably wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. But somehow over time and through difficult circumstances people begin to lose the “forever” mindset and start thinking that it might be better if the marriage ended. As soon as these thoughts start, the spiral towards divorce begins. Even though there is never a point of no return, it’s better to stop the spiral before it gets started.
Everyone has bad days, arguments, and negative thoughts. The key is to focus on the good days, argue less and more effectively, and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. This is an overflow from having the right perspective, but our thoughts about our spouse and commitment to our marriage are closely linked. If we reaffirm our commitment to our spouse with positive thoughts about our marriage (thinking about the good parts of the marriage, the positive traits of our husband, and the fact that we thought enough about him at one time to make the commitment of a lifetime) we are more likely to put effort into our relationship with him. As we put effort into the relationship, we will begin to reap the rewards of marriage and feel more committed to it. Each of these things are a piece of the puzzle which helps to make up the whole picture of a healthy marriage.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Another “rule” of a healthy marriage is that it takes a proper perspective. Being aware of our thoughts, words, and actions is a large part of having the proper perspective. In the first chapter the importance of being conscience of and choosing a positive perspective was introduced. In the subsequent chapters the concept of perspective has been expanded on. The importance of perspective that we have in any given circumstance and any given relationship cannot be overstated. When looking at people who crumble under difficult circumstances compared to those who seem to persevere and become stronger, the tangible difference is perspective. The same is true for relationships, especially marriages. Marriages don’t fail because someone had an affair, there are financial troubles, or people just grew apart. Marriages fail because husbands and wives began having thoughts like, “I can’t take this anymore,” “I can’t stand the way she…,” “He’ll never change,” or “I’ll never live up to his/her expectations, so why even try.” Instead of brushing these thoughts out the door with the rest of the trash, they were allowed to take root and cultivated, watered and given light to grow until they overtake the healthy, positive thoughts that used to reside in the minds of spouses.
In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, John Gottman states it this way. “It’s hardly surprising that what you think about someone often determines how you’ll treat them. But when it comes to marriage, this simple truth has huge consequences. The assumptions you make about your spouse and your relationship can determine the state of your marriage’s health. Marital problems easily arise if your thoughts and feelings are distorted.” So what are distorted thoughts and feelings? How do we know if they’re distorted?
In his book, Gottman gives examples of how given the same situation different people will react differently. Those reactions, whether positive , neutral, or negative, begin in our thoughts. What we think about a person and the situation – what we perceive are the motives and feelings behind what the other person is doing – effects how we will act and react. It’s good to regularly take stock of your relationship with your husband. Are most of your interactions positive or negative? When you think about your husband, do you focus on everything he doesn’t do, or does wrong? Or do you focus on the things he does for you and the kids? When talking about him and to him do you build him up or tear him down? It’s good to ask yourself these questions regularly. As you answer them, measure your answers against a Biblical perspective of marriage. A Biblical perspective can be obtained and maintained through completing women’s Bible Studies and searching scripture for what it has to say about marriage and relationships.
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Philippians 4:8
In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, John Gottman states it this way. “It’s hardly surprising that what you think about someone often determines how you’ll treat them. But when it comes to marriage, this simple truth has huge consequences. The assumptions you make about your spouse and your relationship can determine the state of your marriage’s health. Marital problems easily arise if your thoughts and feelings are distorted.” So what are distorted thoughts and feelings? How do we know if they’re distorted?
In his book, Gottman gives examples of how given the same situation different people will react differently. Those reactions, whether positive , neutral, or negative, begin in our thoughts. What we think about a person and the situation – what we perceive are the motives and feelings behind what the other person is doing – effects how we will act and react. It’s good to regularly take stock of your relationship with your husband. Are most of your interactions positive or negative? When you think about your husband, do you focus on everything he doesn’t do, or does wrong? Or do you focus on the things he does for you and the kids? When talking about him and to him do you build him up or tear him down? It’s good to ask yourself these questions regularly. As you answer them, measure your answers against a Biblical perspective of marriage. A Biblical perspective can be obtained and maintained through completing women’s Bible Studies and searching scripture for what it has to say about marriage and relationships.
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Philippians 4:8
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Rules of a Healthy Marriage I
Rules for a Healthy Marriage
The first rule of a healthy marriage is that it takes work. Sometimes marriage takes grueling, sweat-inducing, grimy work. One of the biggest lies that our culture produces and cultivates is that if a relationship is built on true love it will naturally grow and always be wonderful. The problem is that there is only one true love, and that is the love of Christ. Any other love is imperfect. Imperfect people love imperfectly. Times will come when we don’t feel very loved or very much like loving. It’s those times especially that we have a choice to make. We can decide to make the effort and continue to act in loving ways, or we can let our feelings rule our actions. It takes a choice to treat someone in a loving manner when we don’t feel like it. This is when love feels like work. And it is. But just as we are rewarded by other work we do when we don’t feel like it (whether it is actually going to work and getting a paycheck, or cleaning the house and enjoying the peaceful atmosphere, or working in the yard and enjoying the beauty of it) we will be rewarded every time we choose to act out of love.
Work in marriage also comes into play because our lives our busy. The first chapter of this book laid the foundation of the importance of prioritizing and focusing on the most important things. In our culture, and especially when children arrive, a healthy, happy marriage will not just happen. It’s very easy to get busy, get distracted and forget to feed your marriage. Working in your marriage, therefore, also means taking time and making time for your marriage. This may mean planning regular dates, turning the TV off once in a while to talk (about big and little things), going for a walk together, sitting down over the budget, giving small gifts, intentionally giving words of affirmation, cooking a favorite meal, or whatever it seems your relationship needs at the moment or on an ongoing basis. Each relationship, just like each person, is unique and has unique needs. But every relationship needs to be cared for and fed.
One additional thing I feel the need to mention in this section is a complaint that women often make. The complaint is: why is it my job to put in all the effort/work into the marriage? The answer is pretty straight forward. It’s not our job as the wife to be the only one working in the marriage. Marriage is made up of two people and takes effort on two people’s part. Contrary to popular belief, however, it is rarely, if ever, a 50-50 venture. When we expect it to be and try to keep score, we generally find ourselves frustrated, upset, and feeling negative about the relationship. We instead would benefit greatly from willingly and joyfully putting effort into our relationship with our husband. This doesn’t absolve him from also putting effort in. But we’re not responsible for what he does. We’re responsible for what we do. We are to make sure that our thoughts, words, and actions are in line with God’s will and word. When we as wives do that, it is amazing how much our feelings and attitude toward our husband will become more and more positive. And as we become more positive in our relationship, invariably, so will our husband.
The first rule of a healthy marriage is that it takes work. Sometimes marriage takes grueling, sweat-inducing, grimy work. One of the biggest lies that our culture produces and cultivates is that if a relationship is built on true love it will naturally grow and always be wonderful. The problem is that there is only one true love, and that is the love of Christ. Any other love is imperfect. Imperfect people love imperfectly. Times will come when we don’t feel very loved or very much like loving. It’s those times especially that we have a choice to make. We can decide to make the effort and continue to act in loving ways, or we can let our feelings rule our actions. It takes a choice to treat someone in a loving manner when we don’t feel like it. This is when love feels like work. And it is. But just as we are rewarded by other work we do when we don’t feel like it (whether it is actually going to work and getting a paycheck, or cleaning the house and enjoying the peaceful atmosphere, or working in the yard and enjoying the beauty of it) we will be rewarded every time we choose to act out of love.
Work in marriage also comes into play because our lives our busy. The first chapter of this book laid the foundation of the importance of prioritizing and focusing on the most important things. In our culture, and especially when children arrive, a healthy, happy marriage will not just happen. It’s very easy to get busy, get distracted and forget to feed your marriage. Working in your marriage, therefore, also means taking time and making time for your marriage. This may mean planning regular dates, turning the TV off once in a while to talk (about big and little things), going for a walk together, sitting down over the budget, giving small gifts, intentionally giving words of affirmation, cooking a favorite meal, or whatever it seems your relationship needs at the moment or on an ongoing basis. Each relationship, just like each person, is unique and has unique needs. But every relationship needs to be cared for and fed.
One additional thing I feel the need to mention in this section is a complaint that women often make. The complaint is: why is it my job to put in all the effort/work into the marriage? The answer is pretty straight forward. It’s not our job as the wife to be the only one working in the marriage. Marriage is made up of two people and takes effort on two people’s part. Contrary to popular belief, however, it is rarely, if ever, a 50-50 venture. When we expect it to be and try to keep score, we generally find ourselves frustrated, upset, and feeling negative about the relationship. We instead would benefit greatly from willingly and joyfully putting effort into our relationship with our husband. This doesn’t absolve him from also putting effort in. But we’re not responsible for what he does. We’re responsible for what we do. We are to make sure that our thoughts, words, and actions are in line with God’s will and word. When we as wives do that, it is amazing how much our feelings and attitude toward our husband will become more and more positive. And as we become more positive in our relationship, invariably, so will our husband.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Rewards of Marriage II
The second reward in marriage is companionship. Our husband is supposed to be our companion. Someone to experience life with. Someone to share life with. Someone to hurt when we hurt and rejoice when we rejoice. Someone to hold our hand. Someone to stand in front of us when we need protecting, beside us when we need a friend, and behind us when we need extra support. They are a unique companion, though. Our husband has never been and is never supposed to be a girlfriend. Although we share our lives with him, it is in a unique way. When we marry our relationships with our girlfriends change, which they should. Our husband becomes our primary human relationship. However, we should not try to replace our girlfriends by treating our husband as one. I sometimes find myself sharing something with my husband that he absolutely could not care less about. It’s not because he’s uncaring or callous. It’s just something that doesn’t interest him. This usually happens when I haven’t been spending time with my girlfriends and I’m starved for adult conversation. (So, as you can see, fostering and maintaining your female friendships is actually a benefit to your relationship with your husband.) There are other ways we treat our husband as a girlfriend: in what we expect him to say, how we expect him to act, and some things we expect him to do. Dr. Laura Schlessinger states that the “major mistake women make in communication with their husbands is to imagine that their husbands are supposed to be their girlfriends.” When we do this, we are not respecting who God made this man - as a man and as an individual.
Our culture has become one which consistently demasculinates men. They aren’t respected for their differences, but instead degraded for their differences. Men and women are different. Most people realize this. What they don’t realize is that this is a good thing! I love being a woman and I love that my man is a man. As I’ve learned to accept my husband as he is (not being able to multi-task, not expressing himself verbally, not feeling things the way I do) and celebrate who he is as a man (being really good at concentrating on what he’s doing, wrapping his arms around me when I need it, being steady in almost any given situation) our relationship has grown closer and closer. Because we not only love each other, but also respect each other for who we are, who God made us, the rewards in our marriage have steadily increased.
Marriage can be, and should be, rewarding. However, those rewards don’t come automatically. You don’t have to look far and wide to see marriages in which the husband and/or wife are not reaping the rewards of marriage (even some of those which last a lifetime.) Just as with other things in life, rewards in marriage increase when we follow the plan and the rules. Many of us don’t like rules because we see them as restrictive. But rules, regulations, and laws are put in place for our protection and our benefit. The “rules” of marriage below aren’t meant to be viewed as strict “have to’s” for you to add to any list. On the contrary, they are meant to be keys that will unlock doors to a more rewarding, joyful marriage.
Our culture has become one which consistently demasculinates men. They aren’t respected for their differences, but instead degraded for their differences. Men and women are different. Most people realize this. What they don’t realize is that this is a good thing! I love being a woman and I love that my man is a man. As I’ve learned to accept my husband as he is (not being able to multi-task, not expressing himself verbally, not feeling things the way I do) and celebrate who he is as a man (being really good at concentrating on what he’s doing, wrapping his arms around me when I need it, being steady in almost any given situation) our relationship has grown closer and closer. Because we not only love each other, but also respect each other for who we are, who God made us, the rewards in our marriage have steadily increased.
Marriage can be, and should be, rewarding. However, those rewards don’t come automatically. You don’t have to look far and wide to see marriages in which the husband and/or wife are not reaping the rewards of marriage (even some of those which last a lifetime.) Just as with other things in life, rewards in marriage increase when we follow the plan and the rules. Many of us don’t like rules because we see them as restrictive. But rules, regulations, and laws are put in place for our protection and our benefit. The “rules” of marriage below aren’t meant to be viewed as strict “have to’s” for you to add to any list. On the contrary, they are meant to be keys that will unlock doors to a more rewarding, joyful marriage.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Rewards of Marriage I
So what are the rewards of marriage supposed to be? Before that question is answered, I will discuss one thing that is not a reward of marriage. Marriage is NOT supposed to be fulfilling. I’m not saying that marriage isn’t supposed to add things to your life, that’s what this whole section is about – what a healthy marriage adds to your life. What I am saying is that if you approach marriage (or any relationship) as starting with an empty cup, expecting your husband (or anyone else) to fill that cup, and keep it filled for the rest of your life, you will be greatly disappointed.
We all remember the famous line the movie Jerry McGuire: “You complete me.” Sentimental. Sweet. Charming. Completely misguided. And dangerous. The idea of needing another person to complete you will always leave you wanting. This is because we are all human and are therefore imperfect. We make mistakes. We hurt the people we love the most. We will not ever be able to provide everything that our loved ones need. To expect to be able to do so, or expect someone else to do so for us, leads us down a path of disillusion and never-ending disappointments. Instead of looking for our husband to complete us, we need to look to Christ to define who we are, to provide everything we need, and fill us up. We are to see our husband as a wonderful addition to our lives. He’s the icing on the cake.
My husband gave me the perfect Valentine’s card the first two years we were dating (yes, he gave me the same card two years in a row; without realizing it.) It talked about being perfect for each other because we complimented each other. And that’s how relationships are supposed to be. Complimentary. Thus, the first reward of marriage is not completing each other, but complimenting each other. My husband and I balance each other out very well – I have the personality tests to prove it. I am very organized (when my case of mommy brain isn’t too severe) and my husband is very flexible and spontaneous. I feel things very deeply, my husband thinks things through in a very logical way. We both love being around other people, and we both love being alone. As we have learned to appreciate and cooperate with each other in our differences instead of looking at them in a negative light, we have reaped the rewards of living in compliment to each other.
It is sometimes frustrating, however, in instances such as when I want the kids in bed on time and he’s enjoying a romp on the floor with them. On the other hand, he’s also helped me to stop watching the clock and doing chores and get on the floor for a good tickling match, too. We do sometimes clash in how we see things and how we want things done, but those are the things we work out in love. “Wives need to remind themselves that when their husbands do something differently from how they would do it themselves, it does not constitute a breach of sanity or a display of contempt, it is merely a different way to do something.”
We all remember the famous line the movie Jerry McGuire: “You complete me.” Sentimental. Sweet. Charming. Completely misguided. And dangerous. The idea of needing another person to complete you will always leave you wanting. This is because we are all human and are therefore imperfect. We make mistakes. We hurt the people we love the most. We will not ever be able to provide everything that our loved ones need. To expect to be able to do so, or expect someone else to do so for us, leads us down a path of disillusion and never-ending disappointments. Instead of looking for our husband to complete us, we need to look to Christ to define who we are, to provide everything we need, and fill us up. We are to see our husband as a wonderful addition to our lives. He’s the icing on the cake.
My husband gave me the perfect Valentine’s card the first two years we were dating (yes, he gave me the same card two years in a row; without realizing it.) It talked about being perfect for each other because we complimented each other. And that’s how relationships are supposed to be. Complimentary. Thus, the first reward of marriage is not completing each other, but complimenting each other. My husband and I balance each other out very well – I have the personality tests to prove it. I am very organized (when my case of mommy brain isn’t too severe) and my husband is very flexible and spontaneous. I feel things very deeply, my husband thinks things through in a very logical way. We both love being around other people, and we both love being alone. As we have learned to appreciate and cooperate with each other in our differences instead of looking at them in a negative light, we have reaped the rewards of living in compliment to each other.
It is sometimes frustrating, however, in instances such as when I want the kids in bed on time and he’s enjoying a romp on the floor with them. On the other hand, he’s also helped me to stop watching the clock and doing chores and get on the floor for a good tickling match, too. We do sometimes clash in how we see things and how we want things done, but those are the things we work out in love. “Wives need to remind themselves that when their husbands do something differently from how they would do it themselves, it does not constitute a breach of sanity or a display of contempt, it is merely a different way to do something.”
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Secrets to a Great Marriage
This is mainly for married women, but not just for married women. There are many things I learned about being a wife that I wished I had learned before I became one. In the more than seven years that I was in relationship with my husband before he became my husband I did and said many destructive things. I am very fortunate (and grateful) that God taught me early in my marriage what His perspective and expectations are about my attitude, words, and actions towards my husband. As with anything, it is a journey. There are days when my heart is in the right place and there are days when it is not. As I strive to follow God’s regulations for my marriage I have seen and tasted the wonderful rewards of having a Godly perspective on my marriage and of my husband. I love my husband more today than I ever thought possible.
Does it really matter? Some people may ask. With the number of single parent families today, is a healthy marriage really important to moms and their children?
The answer, unequivocally, is YES. Study after study has shown that a healthy marriage has a huge positive impact on children.
Rewards of a Healthy Marriage
Marriage is supposed to be rewarding. Marriage is supposed to be fun. Marriage is supposed to be full of love. I am often completely amazed at what God has done in my marriage. Not that it has ever been tumultuous. It’s never been rocky or in danger of ending. I can honestly say that we’ve never been even close to that point. On the contrary, by the grace of God, as good as it was in the beginning, it has steadily gotten better. My heart often overflows with love for my husband and I sit in awe at the increase of love God has added to my marriage. I never imagined that I would love my husband more and more as time passed in our marriage. I’ve seen too many marriages fall apart and studied marriage enough to know that of love does not always increase.
These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children.
Don’t get me wrong, however. I’ll never claim that my marriage is perfect. Of course it isn’t – it’s made up of two sinful, imperfect people. There have been bad moments and bad days. There are still times when I’m not really happy with my husband and he’s not really happy with me. But we have learned to work through those moments and those days and grow together. We have learned that it’s more important to focus on what’s going right than what we’re doing wrong. And we’ve learned that it takes work to maintain a healthy relationship, especially with several small children. We’ve also learned that putting the effort into our marriage is worth it. The rewards far outweigh the costs.
Does it really matter? Some people may ask. With the number of single parent families today, is a healthy marriage really important to moms and their children?
The answer, unequivocally, is YES. Study after study has shown that a healthy marriage has a huge positive impact on children.
Rewards of a Healthy Marriage
Marriage is supposed to be rewarding. Marriage is supposed to be fun. Marriage is supposed to be full of love. I am often completely amazed at what God has done in my marriage. Not that it has ever been tumultuous. It’s never been rocky or in danger of ending. I can honestly say that we’ve never been even close to that point. On the contrary, by the grace of God, as good as it was in the beginning, it has steadily gotten better. My heart often overflows with love for my husband and I sit in awe at the increase of love God has added to my marriage. I never imagined that I would love my husband more and more as time passed in our marriage. I’ve seen too many marriages fall apart and studied marriage enough to know that of love does not always increase.
These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children.
Don’t get me wrong, however. I’ll never claim that my marriage is perfect. Of course it isn’t – it’s made up of two sinful, imperfect people. There have been bad moments and bad days. There are still times when I’m not really happy with my husband and he’s not really happy with me. But we have learned to work through those moments and those days and grow together. We have learned that it’s more important to focus on what’s going right than what we’re doing wrong. And we’ve learned that it takes work to maintain a healthy relationship, especially with several small children. We’ve also learned that putting the effort into our marriage is worth it. The rewards far outweigh the costs.
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