Another “rule” of a healthy marriage is that it takes a proper perspective. Being aware of our thoughts, words, and actions is a large part of having the proper perspective. In the first chapter the importance of being conscience of and choosing a positive perspective was introduced. In the subsequent chapters the concept of perspective has been expanded on. The importance of perspective that we have in any given circumstance and any given relationship cannot be overstated. When looking at people who crumble under difficult circumstances compared to those who seem to persevere and become stronger, the tangible difference is perspective. The same is true for relationships, especially marriages. Marriages don’t fail because someone had an affair, there are financial troubles, or people just grew apart. Marriages fail because husbands and wives began having thoughts like, “I can’t take this anymore,” “I can’t stand the way she…,” “He’ll never change,” or “I’ll never live up to his/her expectations, so why even try.” Instead of brushing these thoughts out the door with the rest of the trash, they were allowed to take root and cultivated, watered and given light to grow until they overtake the healthy, positive thoughts that used to reside in the minds of spouses.

In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, John Gottman states it this way. “It’s hardly surprising that what you think about someone often determines how you’ll treat them. But when it comes to marriage, this simple truth has huge consequences. The assumptions you make about your spouse and your relationship can determine the state of your marriage’s health. Marital problems easily arise if your thoughts and feelings are distorted.” So what are distorted thoughts and feelings? How do we know if they’re distorted?

In his book, Gottman gives examples of how given the same situation different people will react differently. Those reactions, whether positive , neutral, or negative, begin in our thoughts. What we think about a person and the situation – what we perceive are the motives and feelings behind what the other person is doing – effects how we will act and react. It’s good to regularly take stock of your relationship with your husband. Are most of your interactions positive or negative? When you think about your husband, do you focus on everything he doesn’t do, or does wrong? Or do you focus on the things he does for you and the kids? When talking about him and to him do you build him up or tear him down? It’s good to ask yourself these questions regularly. As you answer them, measure your answers against a Biblical perspective of marriage. A Biblical perspective can be obtained and maintained through completing women’s Bible Studies and searching scripture for what it has to say about marriage and relationships.

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Philippians 4:8

Rules of a Healthy Marriage I

Rules for a Healthy Marriage

The first rule of a healthy marriage is that it takes work. Sometimes marriage takes grueling, sweat-inducing, grimy work. One of the biggest lies that our culture produces and cultivates is that if a relationship is built on true love it will naturally grow and always be wonderful. The problem is that there is only one true love, and that is the love of Christ. Any other love is imperfect. Imperfect people love imperfectly. Times will come when we don’t feel very loved or very much like loving. It’s those times especially that we have a choice to make. We can decide to make the effort and continue to act in loving ways, or we can let our feelings rule our actions. It takes a choice to treat someone in a loving manner when we don’t feel like it. This is when love feels like work. And it is. But just as we are rewarded by other work we do when we don’t feel like it (whether it is actually going to work and getting a paycheck, or cleaning the house and enjoying the peaceful atmosphere, or working in the yard and enjoying the beauty of it) we will be rewarded every time we choose to act out of love.

Work in marriage also comes into play because our lives our busy. The first chapter of this book laid the foundation of the importance of prioritizing and focusing on the most important things. In our culture, and especially when children arrive, a healthy, happy marriage will not just happen. It’s very easy to get busy, get distracted and forget to feed your marriage. Working in your marriage, therefore, also means taking time and making time for your marriage. This may mean planning regular dates, turning the TV off once in a while to talk (about big and little things), going for a walk together, sitting down over the budget, giving small gifts, intentionally giving words of affirmation, cooking a favorite meal, or whatever it seems your relationship needs at the moment or on an ongoing basis. Each relationship, just like each person, is unique and has unique needs. But every relationship needs to be cared for and fed.

One additional thing I feel the need to mention in this section is a complaint that women often make. The complaint is: why is it my job to put in all the effort/work into the marriage? The answer is pretty straight forward. It’s not our job as the wife to be the only one working in the marriage. Marriage is made up of two people and takes effort on two people’s part. Contrary to popular belief, however, it is rarely, if ever, a 50-50 venture. When we expect it to be and try to keep score, we generally find ourselves frustrated, upset, and feeling negative about the relationship. We instead would benefit greatly from willingly and joyfully putting effort into our relationship with our husband. This doesn’t absolve him from also putting effort in. But we’re not responsible for what he does. We’re responsible for what we do. We are to make sure that our thoughts, words, and actions are in line with God’s will and word. When we as wives do that, it is amazing how much our feelings and attitude toward our husband will become more and more positive. And as we become more positive in our relationship, invariably, so will our husband.

Mommy Times

Now that we've discussed getting time alone as a Mommy to recharge, we will move to another important version of Mommy Time. That's time with other mommies! These times I relish as much as my time by myself. And there are many ways to do this.

There have been innumerable "Mommy and Me" classes and times popping up everywhere in the last few decades. I think that moms used to get together and hang out, but our current culture is so scheduled and organized, that we now have to schedule this time with each other.

A beautiful picture I have in my head is of cultures such as many of the Native American cultures. The men and older boys went out on hunts and the women worked together and watched the children - together. They was often a central place where the work was done so that women could visit, teach, and encourage each other as they worked. I think we are missing something by being isolated in our personal, family, and work lives. We are missing natural fellowship.

But, there are ways to get it. For me, one of the best ways is joining a women's Bible study. These times of growing in the Lord and in relationships with other women are priceless. There are also Mom's time out, MOPS, and many other groups that you can find in most communities. Lisa Welchel (author of Taking Care of the Me in Mommy) talks about getting together with a group of mommy friends weekly in their house. However it happens (whether you find a good group or start a good group) these times are a wonderful way to encourage and receive encouragement from other moms. We all have different strengths we can play off of as we converse and learn from each other. And, the fellowship is usually awesome.

Romans 1:12 ... that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith.

Travel & Relationships

Once again, I am so inconsistent! But, I have a somewhat legitimate excuse. I've spent 13 out of the last 18 days not at home. I'm not usually a traveler, but things came into play that allowed me some greta opportunities to spend time with friends and family that I don't get to see often. While this may seem completely off topic of health, building and maintaining relationships are a part of being healthy - and not just a part of our emotional health, but also a part of our physical health. As science continues to progress, there is a undeniable connection between our minds, bodies, and spirits, which includes relationships, that has become more clear.

There are some relationships that we are able to maintain regularly - friends we see weekly or more frequently - and some relationships that we are only able to give face time to occasionally - monthly, annually, or less frequently - but all these relationships inpact our lives. In today's age of information and being able to reach out to someone at our fingertips, we can easily take relationships for granted. An email or text can only say so much. If it's true that 85% of communication occurs nonverbally, then it's important to at least once in a while see someone or at least talk to them on the phone to retain good relationships. I love having the easy access to people who are far away, but nothing compares to hearing a loved one's voice or getting to see them with my own eyes and wrap them up in a hug that says, "I love you and am so glad you're a part of my life."

These are the moments that help recharge me and put the sprinkles of the ice cream cone of life.

Love is

What is love? Let me know what you think by finishing the sentence.

Love is...