Who's In Charge?

It never fails to surprise me when I hear parents say, "He didn't want to," or "She didn't feel like it." Not that I'm cold and uncaring about my children's feelings, but often I hear these words about children following through on a commitment or a chore or even schoolwork. And I think: Who's in charge here?

Too often, it's the child, not the parent.

I sometimes even catch myself doing it. Letting my child dictate his or her own actions when really, I should push back more. I should stick to my word better. I know this, and still I fall short.

However, I often wonder if other parents are aware of this (not all parents, of course, just some who seem to get run over by their children.

As a family counselor of troubled teens, I saw this constantly. Parents who let children dictate their own lives (and sometimes the parents' too!). Then the parent would generally throw their hands up in the air in wonder when things went haywire or their child rebelled.

Now, it was a whole lot easier for me to dole out parenting advice before I actually became one. I had no idea how my emotions would become so entangled in my parenting. That even though I know the right thing to do most of the time (certainly not all the time!), I don't always do it because I'm tired or frustrated or distracted or just plain weak.

Nevertheless, I try to keep in the forefront of my mind that I am the one ultimately in charge. I have authority over my child and his/her life. This doesn't mean that I dictate every decision my child makes. There has to be balance and children have to be able to make decisions to become responsible, independent adults. They learn to make small decisions when they are small and best handle bigger decisions as they grow bigger. Yet still, they are not in control of their lives. They should be in control of some decisions, but not their entire lives. Not until they're ready to be fully responsible for their entire lives.

Yet many parents don't embrace their rightful place as having authority. We have swung the pendulum of parenting from authoritarian (rules rule the roost) to permissive (rules?), neither which is best for a child or the family as a whole. Instead, authoritative parenting has proven to be the most effective time and time again. That means the parent is in charge (i.e. holds the authority), but engages the child in love, life, and some autonomy in decisions.

So how do we put this into practice? 

First, we as parents must recognize that we are in charge, and we are in charge for a reason. Think how much more you know about life than you did when you were five or ten or fifteen. You have life, experience, and a wealth of information to pull from. Your child has very little of each of these.

Second, we have to realize that discipline is a form of love and children grow up much more healthier with balanced boundaries. Letting them have their way or tell you what they are or are not going to do (not little things, but bigger things like follow through on a commitment, go to a family function, follow family rules, etc.) creates a self-centered, selfish, and often very immature adult.

Third, we should remember that most battles are short lived. Now, I have two strong-willed children, so I know what it means to say no to the same questions a dozen times a day for months on end. But they eventually get it. I also have seen that most times a child gets upset with boundaries being set and held to, they will recover pretty quickly. Even if it's a day or two, it will be much better in the long run to hold on to your word. Even if it's a week or two, or a month or two (the times seem to often get longer as they get older). All we have to do is outlast them - most of the time. (None of us are capable of holding on ALL the time!)

So, the next time your child tells you "no" to something that really matters or something that they committed to or something that you need to stick to just because you already let it fly out of your mouth, remember that you are in charge for a reason - and that reason is because you know best for your child, love them, and want them to grow up to be healthy, balanced, caring individuals. 

Patience

Patience is something I always thought I had before I had children. I could be patient at work, I could be patient sitting though dozens of not-overly-exciting college classes, I could even be patient in traffic.

But until someone is putting their own personal demands on you 24/7 (i.e. Motherhood), I don't think you can have a complete concept of patience. And once you become a mother, you suddenly understand why all those other mothers you've looked down on for all those years sometimes lost it with their children in the grocery store.

Don't get me wrong, I still cringe when I hear a mom in public berating her child or yelling at him. But I myself must admit, I've raised my voice a time or two.

What I often find, however, is that when I lose my patience, it typically has to do with what I'm doing, not what my children are doing.

Here's what I mean: Have you ever noticed that you don't mind that person meandering down the road when you have plenty of time, but when you're running late all of a sudden that person is being inconsiderate and in your way? The same goes with our children sometimes.

If my child wants me to pick them up or read to them and I'm not in the middle of some task (which hardly ever happens) I freely say "sure" and hang with them for a while. But when I'm fixing dinner, or working on a book, or folding laundry, I find little patience with their requests. Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?

I try to stay aware of staying balanced. Sometimes it's best to stop what I'm doing for a few minutes and spend that time. Especially since a mother's work is never done, and when she takes a break it would be nice if it were uninterrupted. But, my children need me to not only keep them in clean clothes and fix them food, but they also need me. My touch, my voice, my ear.

But balance also means not always giving in to them either. If I gave into every request with the utmost patience, I would never be able to teach them to be patient. Or considerate. Or selfless. Not to say that patience is a bad thing, but how we use it is important. Quite often, patience is needed in greater quantities when I tell my children "no." Then it's my job to stay patient while they ask questions, fuss, or complain. This is usually when we're tempted to lose our patience and yell or give in. But it's my job to back up my words with actions. If I said no, it's not going to happen. If I requested something be done, it will be done or there will be a consequence.

They may also get a consequence if they question or fuss too much (an innate tactic all children automatically know.) As long as I stick to my word and do so calmly, though, I've won the battle. And I've taken one more step on the road to a land called Patience.

Moms for Moms

It seems that everywhere you turn these days you hear about mean girls. Movies, news show segments, magazine articles, and specials abound talking about mean girls and bullying between girls...and grown women. People analyze and speculate what makes some girls mean and try to make recommendations on how those the meanness is aimed at are to best handle it. If you are exposed to enough media, you might believe there aren't hardly any nice girls out there, looking for genuine friendships and willing to love and support.

I've been a big advocate of girlfriendships for a long time and believe they're an important part of life, especially during motherhood. Mothers can feel awfully isolated in our culture. Fear of judgement from other moms or past negative experiences can keep them from reaching out when they're discouraged or doubt themselves. But it is important to find friends who walk along side you on this journey of motherhood.

I'm very fortunate to have a group of women that I love and trust and can care my soul to. Some are women I get to hang out with once in a while and others are my confidants. But each of them are "nice" girls.

Recently, I've been enfolded into a whole new group of nice girls. I'm blessed to be going to the She Speaks Conference this year, a wonderful conference put on by the great gals at Proverbs 31 Ministries for writers, speakers, and leaders. Since registering, I've been drawn in through emails, websites, blogs, and a FaceBook group. It warms my heart and lifts my spirit to see women from all over the country who've never met each other lifting each other up in prayer and encouragement. These women embody the words: "since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." (1 John 4:11)

There are loving, supportive women out there who can be mentors, friends, and confidants. Don't settle for anything less! Eliminate (as much as possible) relationships with toxic people and cultivate those that are healthy. Then gather your girlfriends around a cup of coffee or ministry work and get bolstered up for all the work motherhood throws your way!

Mommy Time Out

Time out is a new concept (in the grand scheme of parenting) that we use with our children. The idea behind it is to isolate children from fun and make them do the one thing most of them can't stand: be still and alone.

While some will argue for time out and others will argue against it, I see it as a useful tool, especially for children who can't stand to miss out on something. Why is it effective? Mainly, I think, because our children are constantly engaged, entertained, and enticed. There is always something to hold their attention or keep them busy.

So, even though it can work, should time out be used only for punishment? Shouldn't our children have the blessing of down time? Time to be creative. Time to spend with themselves and be okay with that. Time to explore their world on their terms. This sounds wonderful! And I work diligently to create this environment. (Yes, I'm one of those moms who limits tv/computer to 1-2 hours a day and occasionally call a no-media day.)

What about us? We moms always have something going on. If we're not running our children somewhere, taking care of their needs, educating them, catching up on the computer, managing family life and budget, there's a ton of other things calling our attention.

So, when's our time out?

Yesterday, mine was at about 12:30 p.m. I was getting grumpy and needed a time out. And, I explained that to my kids (after I'd had a short break and improved my mood.)

God declared a day of rest for a reason. WE NEED IT! And while I haven't quite figured out how to have a full day consistently each week of rest, I try to remember to rest regularly.

Rest, not sleep. Rest, not a vegetable state in front of the television. But actual rest. Sitting and doing nothing for at least a half hour.

And this is hard! Especially when we're surrounded by endless tasks. But, if we as moms don't recharge, don't take at least a little break, we won't have as much to give to our children.

While the little people in my life and yours may not understand this tangibly, the will get it. This is evidenced by what my eight-year-old said to me yesterday.

Me: "Thank you for letting Mommy rest. I was getting grumpy and needed a time out."

Her: "So you can be a good example?"

"Yes." I smile. "So I can be a good example."

Doubting Mom

Do you ever doubt yourself as a mom? Do you question the choices you make? Wonder if there isn't more that you could do? That you should do? If so, you're not alone.

The name of my blog suggests that I might have all the answers to perfect motherhood. That no matter the question, there is a straight-forward, black and white answer. And while there is a lot that I know about parenting - I've studied it, read dozens of books about it, taught it, and experienced eight intense years of it - there is still a world of things I don't know. I could give you the textbook answer and best advice in what to do or where to go for the best solution for a lot of problems that come up, but one thing I've learned is that mothering takes on a whole new element when you're in the throes of it and your emotions get all tangled up in it.

Some days I'm tired and don't feel like disciplining right away.

Some days I want to work on my stuff and let the kids play and make a mess all day.

Some days I feed them pizza and french fries and no fruit or veggies.

Some days I totally and completely doubt my ability as a mom.

I had such a day earlier this week as I flaked out and felt I couldn't do a thing more without laying down and recharching. A nap? In the middle of the day? Seriously, what kind of mom am I?

Well, okay, a nap isn't so unusual in my life. I get up early to beat the crowd (i.e. the kids) and stay up late to spend time with hubby. But on this particular day, for some unknown reason, my exhaustion caused me to question myself as a mom. Was laying down and letting them have the run of the house for an hour the best thing for my kids?

Maybe. Because I felt a lot better afterwards. The house was locked up and anything unsafe also stays on lock-down. And my eight-year-old will definitely come and get me if anyone's up to mischief. Oh, and by the way, my rest was interrupted several times as I was crawled on, snuggled with, and asked questions.

So, while I'm not sure about myself and my ability to raise these four precious gifts called children into God-fearing, people-loving, balanced adults, I have come to the conclusion that taking an hour off once in a while does not define me as a mom.

My overall dedication to raising my children to the best of my ability (and constantly working on improving my knowledge and dedication) defines me a mom.

When God Says "No"

Do you ever wish that you could have every wish that you had? I think our tendency is to want what we want and focus on that and only that. At least, I know mine is. Even in fantasy books/stories the need to limit wishes is recognized. Even when a genie or good wishing fairy is present, the receipient of the wishes only gets three. Boy, if I only had three wishes to make in life, what would they be?

Big question. But, I don't have to come up with an answer. That's because my God is bigger than that and He loves me enough not to limit what I can ask Him for or what He's willing to give me. But, He's also wise enough not to give me everything that I wish or want.

Such is the case in relation to my recent post about the She Speaks Conference scholarship. I knew from the beginning that if I didn't get one, there would be a reason. And one of those reasons was that someone else deserved it more. I read the winning entries (okay, I browsed them), and it was true. They wholly and completely deserved to win.

I also knew that if God didn't provide the means that way, He would another way. Lysa TerKeurst even said so in her winning post entry. That to give all entrants a scholarship, no matter how much she wanted to or thought more entrants deserved it, would be to rob them of other blessings. And how true that is!

I didn't get the scholarship, but did register. I am looking forward to this conference almost as much as my own conference, Abundant Life Conference for Women November 2011. The workshops look so good, I had a hard time picking my favorite in a couple time slots.

So now, I'm registered. And the blessings have already started. My two biggest encourages have gone all in to help me attend this conference. Just the sentiment is worth me not getting the scholarship.

So, did God say "no" because I don't deserve it, someone else deserves it more, He wants to bless me in other ways, or He knows how to work everything out for the utmost good of both me and others and bring the greatest glory to Himself?

I'll take the last three. My experience tells me that whenever God tells me "no" it's for my own good and often what I get instead is better.

So, just like when we say "no" to our children to protect them or hold out for something better, when God says "no" there is always a greater purpose.

Hormonal Love Affair

Don't you just love hormones? It is truly a challenge that women alone face. It is unique to our life experience. And it's one that we share, but yet each travel alone as well.

I particularly loved that as I came off a very busy December and Christmas week, slipped into a slump the first week of New Year's as I tried to reclaim order in my house, that the following week was my "hormonal" week. Instead of bouncing back after working hard to get my house in order and getting back into our routine (kind of), I slipped into a further slump. One check at the calendar told me, "Oh. That's what's going on." And I cursed hormones.

But as that week slips away and my hormones go through another shift, this time on the upswing, I'm not feeling so bad about them. As a matter of fact, I kind of like them.

And thus, goes the love/hate relationship I have with hormones. As I become more aware of them, I can work against them when they drag me down and work with them when they lift me up. I know to do what needs to be done, regardless of how I feel. I also know that sometimes a day of nothing but feeding the children and reading a good book and drinking good decaf coffee (yes, I know that's an oxymoron to some) is helpful on getting me back on track the next day.

They're not going away, but I am learning to lead my actions not based on how I feel, mostly due to my hormones, but instead to drag them along for the journey (after that cup of decaf and good book.)

Picture Perfect

Do you take pictures of your children/family for Christmas cards? I do. Every year. And every year, I go into it with expectations that I can take the perfect picture. With all my children (ages 7, 5, 3 & 1). Standing exactly where I want them to stand. Smiling nicely without making funny faces. And all after I've dressed them up perfectly. And once again, my expectations are not met.

This year, after getting the kids dressed up twice, arguing with the sun to go back behind the clouds so the lighting will be right, and taking 47 pictures in 3 different locations, I still didn't get the perfect one. So, I've given up.

I'm grateful for photoshop, and online ordering, and a decent picture, but I've decided to give up on the perfect picture. I feel like one of those Christmas commercials where no one behaves and you end up with crazy pictures. I'm thinking next year I'd like that program where you can steal a good face from one picture and add it to another. Then, maybe all four of my children will be smiling, looking at the camera, and be in perfect light.

But for now, I'm ordering my B+ picture. And I'm sure everyone (especially family members out of state whom we don't get to see often) will love them. I'll take my own advice, not strive for perfection, but for excellence, and have a cup of coffee while I attach each picture to the 250 cards I'll be sending out this week.

Great Inexpensive Christmas Gift Ideas

Are you scrambling to come up with presents for those you love? Are you on a limited budget? Do you have people who can buy whatever they want, making them impossible to buy for? There are lots of things we can do for our family and friends that they will appreciate without breaking the bank.

One thing I do is bake. Cookies, breads, etc. Not as many people take the time to bake these days and most appreciate homemade items. You can find lots of great recipes at the tips of your fingers at websites like allrecipes and food network, and by simply setting aside one day this season, you can make a miriad of gifts.

Don't have the time to bake? Put together pre-measured, ready-to-bake gift jars. You can use old jars or buy new canning jars inexpensively and fill them with a variety of mixes. Make your own pancake or waffle mix (which won't have all those preservatives of store bought ones). Put together a flavored coffee mix, hot chocolate mix complete with marshmellows, or cookie mix. Find many great ideas and "recipes" at websites like kitchen link.

Not a fan of the kitchen? More of a crafty person? There are many ideas to use cheap supplies or things you have around your house. Gather some pinecones from around your neighborhood. Save/gather items you don't use any more (milk cartons, craft sticks, old CD's and cases) and turn them into something useful. Websites like make stuff have fantastic ideas on the cheap.

Still not up your alley? Or time lacking? Create a personalized gift certificate. Offer babysitting, a homecooked meal, help cleaning, a trip out for coffee. Look at the needs of those people you love and see how you can help meet them.

I've probably missed about a million other great ideas, but knowing how difficult it can be sometimes, I hope I've helped at least stir the creative pot and send you in some helpful directions. Merry Christmas, and happy presenting!

Avoid Stress during the Holidays

I've been fortunate to be asked to speak to a local MOPS group about balance this month. I'm fortunate not only for the opportunity, but the reminders of what I need to do to stay balanced during this time of crazy, busy, extra responsibilities.

As moms, we have a wealth of daily responsibilities - cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework, diapers, potty training, character reinforcement, errand running, and being Mom taxi. Then the holidays come and we add shopping for presents, wrapping those presents, going to and hosting parties, Christmas cards, etc. All these things are fun and great, but we often wonder how to fit those things in on top of everything we do already.

First, allow yourself to let some things go. While your family still needs to be fed and clothed, surely there are some items that can wait until after the holidays. My ironing is currently piled up in the laundry room and has been on my to do list for a while, but truly, it can wait until after the family Christmas party we're hosting this weekend. I'm a homeschooling mom, and we haven't completely given up school, but we're on a reduced holiday schedule. What can you let go?

Second, realize that you can't do it all. It's okay to say "no" - even to good things. If that good thing causes you stress, then it's not ultimately a good thing.

Third, don't forget to take care of yourself. Take time, at least once a week, to do something for you. Watch a chick flick, take a bubble bath, get or give yourself a pedicure, read a novel, get a massage. Most importantly, spend time with God. Ask Him for strength to get through this busy season and follow His guidance in what to do each day.

Which brings me to the last item: focus on one day at a time. It is helpful to plan ahead (I don't need to be going grocery shopping the morning of my dinner party), but once we have an overall plan, we should focus only on today. After all, today's the only day we can live out.

Rules of a Healthy Marriage VII

The final “rule” for a healthy marriage is fun. Even though at first having fun may sound easier than the previous rules, it is often just as difficult to maintain. Life gets busy and things happen between two people that distract them from each other and their relationship. Therefore, fun often gets forgotten.

Chances are when you first dated your husband, you had a lot of fun together. Your relationship most likely focused on getting to know each other and having fun together. Even after the wedding takes place the fun tends to continue, at least for a while. However, as life adds responsibilities, stress and tension increase also. As stress and tension build, the distance between husband and wife tends to increase. So, even if you work on your marriage, make the effort to keep a proper perspective, and have made a solid commitment to your husband, if you don’t ever have fun together you’ll be more like partners of a business venture rather than partners a loving marriage.

I don’t know about you, but I desire so much more from my husband than just someone to go through life experiences and share child-rearing with. I want a partner, friend, lover, and companion. Life is not near as care free as when my husband and I were dating, and therefore we must be intentional about having fun together. Some of that fun is as parents. We do fun things at home and away from home with our children. We have fun together as a family. But we also have fun together as a couple. Sometimes this means staying up late to watch a movie after the kids go to bed. Sometimes it means sitting on the front porch alone while the kids watch a movie or are playing nicely. Sometimes it means recruiting a babysitter to go out to dinner. Sometimes it means lying in bed just holding hands and sharing what’s been going on lately. Many couples we know take a few days each year for an adult vacation. Others send the kids to the grandparents’ houses for a few days or weeks. Having fun doesn’t have to take a lot of money or time, but it generally takes a lot of planning and creativity. However, if having fun together becomes a priority in your marriage, it will become more natural. And the rewards will far outweigh any effort that is put into making time for fun.

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

Flexibility. Another piece to the healthy marriage puzzle is flexibility. If this piece of the puzzle is ignored, this rule broken, your marriage may not be in jeopardy of dissolving, but the joy and rewards of marriage will be stolen from it. Inflexibility, stubbornness, and general “it’s gonna be my way” attitude lead to frustration and conflict. Flexibility, on the other hand, fosters fun and enjoyment in a marriage.

Why is flexibility so important? Simply because a marriage is made up of two people who have their own backgrounds, their own baggage, their own likes and dislikes, their own way of perceiving the world, and their own ideas about, well, everything. All these things that make us who we are and who our husband fell in love with may also irritate him. And vice versa.
One thing I’ve had to learn to be flexible about is being flexible. I’m a planner and an organizer (which should be obvious from chapter one.) I like to have a plan and follow through with it. My husband likes to keep all options open all the time so he can make the best choice when it comes time. Needless to say, this has caused some conflict. Eventually I learned that he told me about upcoming events to keep that option open and he accepted that some things just have to be planned. We both learned to be more flexible in how we perceived plans and met somewhere in the middle.

The areas of potential inflexibility are endless. What types of things are served for dinner, who prepares it, and when it’s served. The level of expected housekeeping and who’s responsible for it. How money is spent. What types of vacations are taken and when. What type of extra-curricular activities are okay and how much is okay (for adults and for children.) How to hand family functions. Like I said, the issues are limitless. We each have our own issues, some more important than others. In choosing to be flexible, you’re not saying that your perspective isn’t important. Or that you aren’t important. What flexibility says is that your relationship is more important than holding fast to your ideas about this particular issue. Some issues are going to be more important to you and you will stand more firmly on those. However, these issues should be carefully considered, chosen wisely, and communicated effectively.

Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting with strife. Proverbs 17:1

There will be a host of things that you’ll discover aren’t worth arguing over. Having a healthy, joyful relationship with your husband is more important. Does it really matter if the kids drink sweet tea at supper? As long as bills are being paid, does it matter if he splurges at the hardware store once in a while? These are some of the small things that provide opportunities for flexibility. As you become more flexible towards your husband, theoretically he will naturally become more flexible to you. Then you have the wonderful, albeit complex, dance of give and take that can enhance your marriage even more.

Rules of a Healthy Marriage III

The next “rule” of a healthy marriage is that it takes commitment. Commitment is a characteristic that is not revered in our culture. It is more likely to be made fun of and attributed to inconsequential items. Commercials constantly encourage people to make a lifetime commitment to a brand of car, or phone company, or even a sandwich. In reality of how we live, however, people rarely stay committed to things that really matter. The divorce rate for first marriages has been holding steady at about fifty percent for several decades now. “Til death do us part” has become “until I don’t feel like it anymore.”

Any time we enter into something without the mindset of being committed to it, we are much less likely to put effort into it and much more likely to quit. I remember planning a group with some co-counselors several years back. We discussed offering the group for free or charging a minimal fee. One of the counselors shared a study that found that participants in programs were more likely to attend more sessions and complete the program if they had something invested in it, even if it was just fifteen dollars. The more you have invested in something, the more committed you are to it. The more committed you are to something, the more you’ll invest in it. It’s a positive cycle that holds true in marriage.

The commitment part it your mindset. Most people have the mindset of being committed to their spouse when they get married, or they probably wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. But somehow over time and through difficult circumstances people begin to lose the “forever” mindset and start thinking that it might be better if the marriage ended. As soon as these thoughts start, the spiral towards divorce begins. Even though there is never a point of no return, it’s better to stop the spiral before it gets started.

Everyone has bad days, arguments, and negative thoughts. The key is to focus on the good days, argue less and more effectively, and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. This is an overflow from having the right perspective, but our thoughts about our spouse and commitment to our marriage are closely linked. If we reaffirm our commitment to our spouse with positive thoughts about our marriage (thinking about the good parts of the marriage, the positive traits of our husband, and the fact that we thought enough about him at one time to make the commitment of a lifetime) we are more likely to put effort into our relationship with him. As we put effort into the relationship, we will begin to reap the rewards of marriage and feel more committed to it. Each of these things are a piece of the puzzle which helps to make up the whole picture of a healthy marriage.

Another “rule” of a healthy marriage is that it takes a proper perspective. Being aware of our thoughts, words, and actions is a large part of having the proper perspective. In the first chapter the importance of being conscience of and choosing a positive perspective was introduced. In the subsequent chapters the concept of perspective has been expanded on. The importance of perspective that we have in any given circumstance and any given relationship cannot be overstated. When looking at people who crumble under difficult circumstances compared to those who seem to persevere and become stronger, the tangible difference is perspective. The same is true for relationships, especially marriages. Marriages don’t fail because someone had an affair, there are financial troubles, or people just grew apart. Marriages fail because husbands and wives began having thoughts like, “I can’t take this anymore,” “I can’t stand the way she…,” “He’ll never change,” or “I’ll never live up to his/her expectations, so why even try.” Instead of brushing these thoughts out the door with the rest of the trash, they were allowed to take root and cultivated, watered and given light to grow until they overtake the healthy, positive thoughts that used to reside in the minds of spouses.

In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, John Gottman states it this way. “It’s hardly surprising that what you think about someone often determines how you’ll treat them. But when it comes to marriage, this simple truth has huge consequences. The assumptions you make about your spouse and your relationship can determine the state of your marriage’s health. Marital problems easily arise if your thoughts and feelings are distorted.” So what are distorted thoughts and feelings? How do we know if they’re distorted?

In his book, Gottman gives examples of how given the same situation different people will react differently. Those reactions, whether positive , neutral, or negative, begin in our thoughts. What we think about a person and the situation – what we perceive are the motives and feelings behind what the other person is doing – effects how we will act and react. It’s good to regularly take stock of your relationship with your husband. Are most of your interactions positive or negative? When you think about your husband, do you focus on everything he doesn’t do, or does wrong? Or do you focus on the things he does for you and the kids? When talking about him and to him do you build him up or tear him down? It’s good to ask yourself these questions regularly. As you answer them, measure your answers against a Biblical perspective of marriage. A Biblical perspective can be obtained and maintained through completing women’s Bible Studies and searching scripture for what it has to say about marriage and relationships.

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Philippians 4:8

Rules of a Healthy Marriage I

Rules for a Healthy Marriage

The first rule of a healthy marriage is that it takes work. Sometimes marriage takes grueling, sweat-inducing, grimy work. One of the biggest lies that our culture produces and cultivates is that if a relationship is built on true love it will naturally grow and always be wonderful. The problem is that there is only one true love, and that is the love of Christ. Any other love is imperfect. Imperfect people love imperfectly. Times will come when we don’t feel very loved or very much like loving. It’s those times especially that we have a choice to make. We can decide to make the effort and continue to act in loving ways, or we can let our feelings rule our actions. It takes a choice to treat someone in a loving manner when we don’t feel like it. This is when love feels like work. And it is. But just as we are rewarded by other work we do when we don’t feel like it (whether it is actually going to work and getting a paycheck, or cleaning the house and enjoying the peaceful atmosphere, or working in the yard and enjoying the beauty of it) we will be rewarded every time we choose to act out of love.

Work in marriage also comes into play because our lives our busy. The first chapter of this book laid the foundation of the importance of prioritizing and focusing on the most important things. In our culture, and especially when children arrive, a healthy, happy marriage will not just happen. It’s very easy to get busy, get distracted and forget to feed your marriage. Working in your marriage, therefore, also means taking time and making time for your marriage. This may mean planning regular dates, turning the TV off once in a while to talk (about big and little things), going for a walk together, sitting down over the budget, giving small gifts, intentionally giving words of affirmation, cooking a favorite meal, or whatever it seems your relationship needs at the moment or on an ongoing basis. Each relationship, just like each person, is unique and has unique needs. But every relationship needs to be cared for and fed.

One additional thing I feel the need to mention in this section is a complaint that women often make. The complaint is: why is it my job to put in all the effort/work into the marriage? The answer is pretty straight forward. It’s not our job as the wife to be the only one working in the marriage. Marriage is made up of two people and takes effort on two people’s part. Contrary to popular belief, however, it is rarely, if ever, a 50-50 venture. When we expect it to be and try to keep score, we generally find ourselves frustrated, upset, and feeling negative about the relationship. We instead would benefit greatly from willingly and joyfully putting effort into our relationship with our husband. This doesn’t absolve him from also putting effort in. But we’re not responsible for what he does. We’re responsible for what we do. We are to make sure that our thoughts, words, and actions are in line with God’s will and word. When we as wives do that, it is amazing how much our feelings and attitude toward our husband will become more and more positive. And as we become more positive in our relationship, invariably, so will our husband.

Rewards of Marriage II

The second reward in marriage is companionship. Our husband is supposed to be our companion. Someone to experience life with. Someone to share life with. Someone to hurt when we hurt and rejoice when we rejoice. Someone to hold our hand. Someone to stand in front of us when we need protecting, beside us when we need a friend, and behind us when we need extra support. They are a unique companion, though. Our husband has never been and is never supposed to be a girlfriend. Although we share our lives with him, it is in a unique way. When we marry our relationships with our girlfriends change, which they should. Our husband becomes our primary human relationship. However, we should not try to replace our girlfriends by treating our husband as one. I sometimes find myself sharing something with my husband that he absolutely could not care less about. It’s not because he’s uncaring or callous. It’s just something that doesn’t interest him. This usually happens when I haven’t been spending time with my girlfriends and I’m starved for adult conversation. (So, as you can see, fostering and maintaining your female friendships is actually a benefit to your relationship with your husband.) There are other ways we treat our husband as a girlfriend: in what we expect him to say, how we expect him to act, and some things we expect him to do. Dr. Laura Schlessinger states that the “major mistake women make in communication with their husbands is to imagine that their husbands are supposed to be their girlfriends.” When we do this, we are not respecting who God made this man - as a man and as an individual.

Our culture has become one which consistently demasculinates men. They aren’t respected for their differences, but instead degraded for their differences. Men and women are different. Most people realize this. What they don’t realize is that this is a good thing! I love being a woman and I love that my man is a man. As I’ve learned to accept my husband as he is (not being able to multi-task, not expressing himself verbally, not feeling things the way I do) and celebrate who he is as a man (being really good at concentrating on what he’s doing, wrapping his arms around me when I need it, being steady in almost any given situation) our relationship has grown closer and closer. Because we not only love each other, but also respect each other for who we are, who God made us, the rewards in our marriage have steadily increased.

Marriage can be, and should be, rewarding. However, those rewards don’t come automatically. You don’t have to look far and wide to see marriages in which the husband and/or wife are not reaping the rewards of marriage (even some of those which last a lifetime.) Just as with other things in life, rewards in marriage increase when we follow the plan and the rules. Many of us don’t like rules because we see them as restrictive. But rules, regulations, and laws are put in place for our protection and our benefit. The “rules” of marriage below aren’t meant to be viewed as strict “have to’s” for you to add to any list. On the contrary, they are meant to be keys that will unlock doors to a more rewarding, joyful marriage.

Rewards of Marriage I

So what are the rewards of marriage supposed to be? Before that question is answered, I will discuss one thing that is not a reward of marriage. Marriage is NOT supposed to be fulfilling. I’m not saying that marriage isn’t supposed to add things to your life, that’s what this whole section is about – what a healthy marriage adds to your life. What I am saying is that if you approach marriage (or any relationship) as starting with an empty cup, expecting your husband (or anyone else) to fill that cup, and keep it filled for the rest of your life, you will be greatly disappointed.

We all remember the famous line the movie Jerry McGuire: “You complete me.” Sentimental. Sweet. Charming. Completely misguided. And dangerous. The idea of needing another person to complete you will always leave you wanting. This is because we are all human and are therefore imperfect. We make mistakes. We hurt the people we love the most. We will not ever be able to provide everything that our loved ones need. To expect to be able to do so, or expect someone else to do so for us, leads us down a path of disillusion and never-ending disappointments. Instead of looking for our husband to complete us, we need to look to Christ to define who we are, to provide everything we need, and fill us up. We are to see our husband as a wonderful addition to our lives. He’s the icing on the cake.

My husband gave me the perfect Valentine’s card the first two years we were dating (yes, he gave me the same card two years in a row; without realizing it.) It talked about being perfect for each other because we complimented each other. And that’s how relationships are supposed to be. Complimentary. Thus, the first reward of marriage is not completing each other, but complimenting each other. My husband and I balance each other out very well – I have the personality tests to prove it. I am very organized (when my case of mommy brain isn’t too severe) and my husband is very flexible and spontaneous. I feel things very deeply, my husband thinks things through in a very logical way. We both love being around other people, and we both love being alone. As we have learned to appreciate and cooperate with each other in our differences instead of looking at them in a negative light, we have reaped the rewards of living in compliment to each other.

It is sometimes frustrating, however, in instances such as when I want the kids in bed on time and he’s enjoying a romp on the floor with them. On the other hand, he’s also helped me to stop watching the clock and doing chores and get on the floor for a good tickling match, too. We do sometimes clash in how we see things and how we want things done, but those are the things we work out in love. “Wives need to remind themselves that when their husbands do something differently from how they would do it themselves, it does not constitute a breach of sanity or a display of contempt, it is merely a different way to do something.”

Secrets to a Great Marriage

This is mainly for married women, but not just for married women. There are many things I learned about being a wife that I wished I had learned before I became one. In the more than seven years that I was in relationship with my husband before he became my husband I did and said many destructive things. I am very fortunate (and grateful) that God taught me early in my marriage what His perspective and expectations are about my attitude, words, and actions towards my husband. As with anything, it is a journey. There are days when my heart is in the right place and there are days when it is not. As I strive to follow God’s regulations for my marriage I have seen and tasted the wonderful rewards of having a Godly perspective on my marriage and of my husband. I love my husband more today than I ever thought possible.
Does it really matter? Some people may ask. With the number of single parent families today, is a healthy marriage really important to moms and their children?

The answer, unequivocally, is YES. Study after study has shown that a healthy marriage has a huge positive impact on children.

Rewards of a Healthy Marriage
Marriage is supposed to be rewarding. Marriage is supposed to be fun. Marriage is supposed to be full of love. I am often completely amazed at what God has done in my marriage. Not that it has ever been tumultuous. It’s never been rocky or in danger of ending. I can honestly say that we’ve never been even close to that point. On the contrary, by the grace of God, as good as it was in the beginning, it has steadily gotten better. My heart often overflows with love for my husband and I sit in awe at the increase of love God has added to my marriage. I never imagined that I would love my husband more and more as time passed in our marriage. I’ve seen too many marriages fall apart and studied marriage enough to know that of love does not always increase.

These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children.

Don’t get me wrong, however. I’ll never claim that my marriage is perfect. Of course it isn’t – it’s made up of two sinful, imperfect people. There have been bad moments and bad days. There are still times when I’m not really happy with my husband and he’s not really happy with me. But we have learned to work through those moments and those days and grow together. We have learned that it’s more important to focus on what’s going right than what we’re doing wrong. And we’ve learned that it takes work to maintain a healthy relationship, especially with several small children. We’ve also learned that putting the effort into our marriage is worth it. The rewards far outweigh the costs.

Addressing our Hubbies

As I write this I want to let you know that I am well aware that there are moms that will be reading this whom are in all sorts of situations. Many moms are married to the man they were married to before they had children. Many moms are married to a man who is not the father of their children. Many moms aren’t married due to divorce, death or other circumstances. Many moms are married but separated for a variety of reasons. Our family and marital situations are as varied as our personalities are. As we begin to talk about our other relationships, especially our most important earthly relationship, my goal is to encourage you in the relationships you have. I hope to help you to understand the importance of relationships built on Biblical principles. I hope to provide a view of relationships that shows they are meant to benefit us as moms, those we’re in relationships with, and our children.

We’ve talked about the importance of friendships with other moms (and girlfriends.) There, I believe, the foundation for the blessings of such relationships was laid. God created us as relational beings and we are to thrive and grow through and in our relationships. Our female friends are an important part of our lives. They help keep us on track, support us, and increase the joy we experience in life. As important and beneficial as our girlfriends are to our lives, our husband should be much more. Our relationship with our husband, for those who have one, should be our highest priority human relationship, but too often it is not.

Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

It breaks my heart how often I hear women say negative things about and to their husbands. Other women don’t speak badly to or about their husbands, but don’t pay a lot of attention to them either. Many women are so involved in their careers and/or their children that they don’t foster and enjoy their marital relationship. It often seems as if husbands are extraneous, attested to by the attitudes of many wives, the divorce rate, and the number of women choosing to have children without an involved father. Please know that I understand that there are women who really are in bad marriages, women whom have very legitimate reasons to get out of a marriage, and women who find themselves in bad situations. My heart is not to pour condemnation on anyone who has ended up in any of these circumstances. There is just a trend that has happened in our culture which has had severe negative effects on us collectively and individually. And I believe, that one by one, in making sure that we shift our perspectives to be Biblical, we can begin to experience the fruit and blessings of healthy, loving relationships with our husband.

Never Enough

Do you ever feel like you're not doing enough? I think this is a common issue for moms. No matter what we do, no matter how much the lie is touted, we simply cannot do everything.

I know this, acknowledge this and believe this. Yet, no matter how much I do, I always feel like I could be doing more. Now, there are times I do nothing (meaning, sit in front of the tv and be a vegetable, usually not eating vegetables.) And times of rest are good to keep us balanced.

Recognizing what you are doing is good for balance, too. I recently had this feeling in relation to what my children are learning. There's a lot of pressure on a homeschooling mom to teach enough and the right things. I often question, Are they learning the right things? What if they don't learn enough about certain aspects of science or social studies or history? What if I'm not that effective of a teacher? Often, doubts reign.

Then, I look at what they are learning. Yesterday I literally did so. We are participating in Classical Conversations and my kids are learning amazing things. This week's lessons included:

History sentence about the Renaissance

Latin 1st Conjugation Future Tense

English - Possesive Pronouns

Science - 6 forms of pollution

Math - 11 & 12 multiples

Geography - European Features

What other 2nd graders and Kindergarteners are learning those things? So, while I recognize that they aren't getting every experience or lesson that are available through other education venues, I must recognize that they're getting unique lessons and experiences.

I think we all work this way. Whether it's in regards to our children's education, our work situation, our house-keeping situation, etc, we all do it differently. There are somethings that should never be comprimized (raising your children in a balanced, healthy, loving environment that holds them accountable, values education, and loves God), but the details in how these things are accomplished are individualized. I can love God and my family and stay at home full time. I can love God and my family and work full time. I can value education and teach my children myself, or send them to public or private school.

I cannot do everything. I wasn't meant to do everything. I don't want to lower my expectations, but I want to make sure that my expectations are in line with what God has called me to do and how He's called me to do it. Then, nothing is impossible. Nothing that's in His will for me. And He'll make sure that the rest is taken care of, one way or another.