Healing

We all have some kind of issue that affects the way we parent. These issues range from the repercussions of our parents' divorce, our own divorce, a history of physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse, surviving a traumatic event such as a car crash or house fire, or dealing with a chronic illness. They include losses of parents, siblings, close friends, spouses, and children. These events impact our lives and effect who we are. In addition to, and in order to be a healthier parent, we need to acknowledge the impact these events have had on us and make sure we have or consciously choose to go through the healing process.

In Kim Gaines Eckert's book STRONGER THAN YOU THINK, she talks about making sure that we recognize that we are made whole in Christ. "Wholeness is a gift from God to be received, yet we can be activley involved in the working out of that gift." (p. 23) Yet when we are hurt through relationships, circumstances, or traumatic events, we often get lost in that pain. In order to heal, it's essential to name and grieve our losses, acknowledge how our decision-making and relationship patterns play a part in keeping the pain fresh, choose to forgive, and choose to heal by putting our hope in Christ alone.

Back Again

Wow! It's really been almost a month since I last posted. The last month has consisted of throwing my husband a surprise birthday party, going out of town two weekends in a row and being slammed at work. Not to mention getting diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes and getting used to a new routine of taking insulin 5-7 times a day.Now, I'm back on track I think. Life is getting a little back to normal.

I haven't been doing a ton of writing (on the book), but I have been engulfing myself in research. I have come across some great writers and resources and will start to post quotes and recommended books.

I also want to know, do you have a beyond-mommy issue that you're dealing with? My journey with diabetes has had an impact on how I feel physically and emotionally and has at times affected my parenting. Let me know what issue (chronic illness, past trauma, past loss, recent loss, recent trauma) you're dealing with that effects who you are as a person and a mom. - Remember, posts can now be made anonymously.

Guiding 3

Children often get frustrated, angry, violent, and have difficulty with others because they don’t have the tools to handle difficult situations or communicate in beneficial ways. Many of these things seem small, and will most likely have to be repeated innumerable times, but put together enable a child to feel self-confident and have healthy relationships. Like teachable moments to model and talk about appropriate behaviors, opportunities to guide children in replacing negative behaviors and words with positive ones are almost countless. Each time a child gets frustrated when something’s not working the way they want it to is an opportunity to talk them through the problem calmly and showing them how to try it a different way. Each time a child gets angry is an opportunity to talk them through using their words to express themselves and resolve conflicts. Each time a child gets violent is an opportunity to express that violence isn’t appropriate and to talk through other ways of handling themselves.
Guiding, like modeling and verbalizing, is something that becomes natural with practice. And your children will give you lots of opportunities to practice. Although each child is different in how they learn and how fast they learn, none of them learn everything the first time. Repetition is the key to instilling the behaviors you wish to see. And those moments when your child does exactly what you’ve been working so hard to teach them will come – and oh how worth the hard work it will all be!

Guiding 2

Guiding includes giving a child words to use. It’s not “Give me milk.” It’s “Mommy, may I please have some milk.” It’s not “No, I won’t do it.” It’s “I’d rather not.” It’s not “Eww, Yuck.” It’s I’d prefer not to eat peas.” It’s not “Sammy’s mean.” It’s “Sammy hurt my feelings by snatching my toy.”Guiding also is teaching behaviors. Instead of whining and complaining while standing in line at the grocery store (or asking for every piece of candy on the shelf), try counting the number of other people waiting, or make up a story about what the food does at night when the store’s closed, or review school work, or practice scripture. Instead of hitting someone when they make a child mad, teach them to hit a pillow, or do jumping jacks, or go spend a few minutes alone to calm down. Instead of throwing something when frustrated with a task, teach them to write about their frustration, or jump on a trampoline, or talk about it. There are countless ways to handle difficult situations and express feelings. The goal is to teach appropriate behaviors that will be effective in handling situations. The method and techniques chosen will depend on the personality of the child. When an effective strategy is taught, appropriate ways to say and do things, a child is empowered.

Guiding

The next step in teaching children is guiding. Guiding is showing your child how to do something. Children learn a lot by seeing and hearing, but even more by doing. It’s kind of like teaching a child to ride a bike. They see other people doing it, we explain how to do it, and we put them on the bike and hang on while they work at getting it. In teaching things like respect, responsibility, integrity, and patience we sometimes have to “hang on” with them while they work at getting it. This is something that has to be done intentionally. Parents are generally quick to tell a child what behavior not to exhibit, but often forget to tell a child what behavior to exhibit and how to do it. Telling children not to argue lets them know that arguing is unacceptable, but it doesn’t tell them how to handle conflicts. Telling a child to be patient lets them know that patience is valued and expected, but it doesn’t tell them how to wait patiently. For a negative behavior to be stopped effectively, it must be replaced with positive behaviors.

Teachable Moments

When a child asks about traffic and expresses impatience, it’s a golden opportunity to talk about patience. To tell them that patience isn’t waiting, but how we wait. And since we can’t make the traffic move, let’s do something fun like sing songs. When they comment on how busy you are with chores, it’s the perfect opportunity to talk about every one pitching in to help and having a positive attitude while getting the not-so-fun things done. When a child asks about that person at the store that wasn’t very nice, it’s a wonderful time to talk about being kind to people regardless of how they act, and that we never know what’s going on with someone to make them behave in an unkind manner. Teachable moments are almost limitless once mommy’s radar is tuned into them. Even though a child may notice mommy’s behaviors, he/she most likely will not understand the why and how without talking about it.

Random Mommy Tip #3

Get on the Floor
Tonight I got on the floor and played with my children. It was wonderful and reminded me that I need to do it more often. In trying to keep balance in everything (including writing about keeping in balance) I've neglected just hanging out and playing with my children. There's always something to do. But, as I was reminded tonight, they won't always want to get on the floor, make a tent, roll around and get tickled and tackled silly. They may not remember this particular night that mommy took time to play. But I want them to know that they're a priority and just getting on the floor and giving them my undivided attention for 30 minutes tells them "you are important to me and I enjoy spending time with you." That's worth letting the laundry go until tomorrow.