What Forgiveness Is

"Forgiveness
- begins with God...
- (shows we trust)that God alone can restore and heal us completely...
- (shows we trust) that God is totally and compeltely opposed to evil and sees it whenever and wherever it occurs...
- allows us to look at ourselves honestly: as broken children of God..."
- empowers us

The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars: Who Decides What Makes a Good Mother
by: Miriam Peskowitz

Get Out of That Pitt

Beth Moore says that there are three steps to healing.
1 - cry out: acknowledge the problem and the need for God
2 - cofess: agree with what God says about Him and you
3 - consent: go along with the healing process

We have to make up our minds to get well, to not stay stuck in the pain and revicimize ourselves daily. When we don't choose to heal, we choose to be the victim over and over again, to live a defeated life, and to keep the pain fresh. When we choose to heal we open the door to the joy that Jesus lived and died for us to have.

John 10:10 The theif comes only to steal and kill and detroy;I have come that they might have life and have it to the full.

What Forgiveness is not

When choosing to forgive it is important to know what forgivenes is not. This helps to eliminate fear that we often have when we think about forgiving. According to Kim Gaines Eckert in STRONGER THAN YOU THINK, forgiveness "does not mean:
- we forget what happened to us
- we excuse the people who hurt us and say that..their actions are okay
- (we have to reconcile)
- we pretent the hurts never happened
- we ignore our wounds
- we allow others to hurt us repeatedly"

When we think about forgiveness we often have a picture of weakness, an individual who gets run over and abused constantly. But true forgiveness does not mean being weak. True forgiveness gives us the power to take care of ourselves in a healthy way and takes the power away from the person or event that has caused us pain. It is a sign of strength to be able to choose to forgive, choose to be healthy, and choose to take care of ourselves by healing from past hurts and to stop the cycle of pain that comes with being a victim. We no longer carry the pain. We scrape out the infection (bitterness, fear, anger) that had grown in the wound (the original offense/event) and care for it properly as it heals.

Forgiveness

A major part of healing from and dealing with difficult circumstances in life is forgiveness. Sometimes we have to forgive others, sometimes we have to forgive ourselves. We can learn the most about forgiveness by looking to God.

In their book WHEN IT'S HARD TO FORGIVE by Goldie Bristol and Carol McGinnis, we find that "Faith in Christ (is) the foundation for a forgiving lifestyle...Forgiveness was very much a part of Jesus' lifestyle...(His) whole purpose in coming to earth was to die so that our sins could be forgiven. Accepting this great divine forgiveness enables us to forgive others."

When we recognize that God forgives us everything when we ask, and all that he has forgiven us for, it becomes easier to forgive others. It is still not easy, however. We often don't feel like forgiving others and sometimes just don't know how to forgive. We have to purposefully and intentionally choose to forgive. To do this we need to have an understanding of exactly what forgiving is and what it isn't.

Healing

We all have some kind of issue that affects the way we parent. These issues range from the repercussions of our parents' divorce, our own divorce, a history of physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse, surviving a traumatic event such as a car crash or house fire, or dealing with a chronic illness. They include losses of parents, siblings, close friends, spouses, and children. These events impact our lives and effect who we are. In addition to, and in order to be a healthier parent, we need to acknowledge the impact these events have had on us and make sure we have or consciously choose to go through the healing process.

In Kim Gaines Eckert's book STRONGER THAN YOU THINK, she talks about making sure that we recognize that we are made whole in Christ. "Wholeness is a gift from God to be received, yet we can be activley involved in the working out of that gift." (p. 23) Yet when we are hurt through relationships, circumstances, or traumatic events, we often get lost in that pain. In order to heal, it's essential to name and grieve our losses, acknowledge how our decision-making and relationship patterns play a part in keeping the pain fresh, choose to forgive, and choose to heal by putting our hope in Christ alone.

Back Again

Wow! It's really been almost a month since I last posted. The last month has consisted of throwing my husband a surprise birthday party, going out of town two weekends in a row and being slammed at work. Not to mention getting diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes and getting used to a new routine of taking insulin 5-7 times a day.Now, I'm back on track I think. Life is getting a little back to normal.

I haven't been doing a ton of writing (on the book), but I have been engulfing myself in research. I have come across some great writers and resources and will start to post quotes and recommended books.

I also want to know, do you have a beyond-mommy issue that you're dealing with? My journey with diabetes has had an impact on how I feel physically and emotionally and has at times affected my parenting. Let me know what issue (chronic illness, past trauma, past loss, recent loss, recent trauma) you're dealing with that effects who you are as a person and a mom. - Remember, posts can now be made anonymously.

Guiding 3

Children often get frustrated, angry, violent, and have difficulty with others because they don’t have the tools to handle difficult situations or communicate in beneficial ways. Many of these things seem small, and will most likely have to be repeated innumerable times, but put together enable a child to feel self-confident and have healthy relationships. Like teachable moments to model and talk about appropriate behaviors, opportunities to guide children in replacing negative behaviors and words with positive ones are almost countless. Each time a child gets frustrated when something’s not working the way they want it to is an opportunity to talk them through the problem calmly and showing them how to try it a different way. Each time a child gets angry is an opportunity to talk them through using their words to express themselves and resolve conflicts. Each time a child gets violent is an opportunity to express that violence isn’t appropriate and to talk through other ways of handling themselves.
Guiding, like modeling and verbalizing, is something that becomes natural with practice. And your children will give you lots of opportunities to practice. Although each child is different in how they learn and how fast they learn, none of them learn everything the first time. Repetition is the key to instilling the behaviors you wish to see. And those moments when your child does exactly what you’ve been working so hard to teach them will come – and oh how worth the hard work it will all be!