Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Tired Mommy

Posted by Tracy Wainwright at 1:25 AM
It's one a.m. and I'm listening to the Backyardigans and posting on my blog. I'm tired, but not because I'm up so late. I'm tired because the stomach bug is working it's way through our house again. And that's not even the most of it.

This is usually when I pull the covers up over my head and hide until things get better. Not just because of viruses, but because I'm dragging, unmotivated, and down. It's a side of me I usually don't let people see. I fold  it up neatly and tuck it away in the secret compartment of my diary. But today, trudging through one more day and feeling physically better, but not emotionally, I decided to share this part of the journey that I tend to keep to myself.

First, there's plenty of things that have occurred in the last two months that contribute to my current state. Things could be so much worse, I know friends and family members going through worse, but this is the wearing down I've had since the start of 2012. It actually began two days after Christmas when one of my precious babies threw up for several hours. Over the course of the following two and a half weeks, the bug went through everyone in our house and my in-laws. It took anywhere from two to four days in between one person and the next, meaning about the time we reappeared in public, another one was hit. Recovering from the purging virus, our immune systems were struggling and succumbed to a random unnamed virus and then strep throat. Feeling better, but still dragging, I began to wonder if I had slid down the hill of energy in to the valley of exhaustion and depression - not clinical depression, but discouraging, dragging days. Then one morning I woke up with achy joints and a lacy rash on my arms and legs. A quick doctor's appointment and half pint of blood verified I have parvovirus B19 (known as Fifth disease in children.) The good news was it wasn't something permanent. The not quite as good news was that it can last anywhere from one to three months.

I'm feeling better, but two of my children have had the tell-tale signs of red cheeks over the last 10 days. And now, the stomach bug has hit again. And I'm tired.

Though I know I could be taking a child to cancer treatments every day. Or be dealing with a lifelong, debilitating disease. Or many, many other more heart-wrenching situations. Yet still, I'm tired.

I don't share this to complain. I really don't. I share it to...well...share it. To stand behind my desire to be completely honest about the journey of motherhood, even the dark days.

I'm struggling to stay focused, but keep plugging away each day clinging to God, reading and standing on His promises, and starting over with each sunrise to be more present for my children. There's nothing like illness to get you more present.

I don't think it's a coincidence that the first two months of 2012 have been so challenging when I've vowed to fast and pray for a loved one until my prayers are answered. Or when this is the year I start speaking with Stonecroft Ministries. Or the third year of the Abundant Life Conference for Women, which continues to grow for the glory of God. None of it is a coincidence. Nor that I read James through just last week. God tells us trials are to come and to be joyful in them. I don't feel joy, but I have the peace that God is with me, His Spirit dwelling in me, if I simply let go and rely on Him I will find the joy again. Maybe the most difficult of all: letting go.


0 comments on "Tired Mommy"

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Tired Mommy

It's one a.m. and I'm listening to the Backyardigans and posting on my blog. I'm tired, but not because I'm up so late. I'm tired because the stomach bug is working it's way through our house again. And that's not even the most of it.

This is usually when I pull the covers up over my head and hide until things get better. Not just because of viruses, but because I'm dragging, unmotivated, and down. It's a side of me I usually don't let people see. I fold  it up neatly and tuck it away in the secret compartment of my diary. But today, trudging through one more day and feeling physically better, but not emotionally, I decided to share this part of the journey that I tend to keep to myself.

First, there's plenty of things that have occurred in the last two months that contribute to my current state. Things could be so much worse, I know friends and family members going through worse, but this is the wearing down I've had since the start of 2012. It actually began two days after Christmas when one of my precious babies threw up for several hours. Over the course of the following two and a half weeks, the bug went through everyone in our house and my in-laws. It took anywhere from two to four days in between one person and the next, meaning about the time we reappeared in public, another one was hit. Recovering from the purging virus, our immune systems were struggling and succumbed to a random unnamed virus and then strep throat. Feeling better, but still dragging, I began to wonder if I had slid down the hill of energy in to the valley of exhaustion and depression - not clinical depression, but discouraging, dragging days. Then one morning I woke up with achy joints and a lacy rash on my arms and legs. A quick doctor's appointment and half pint of blood verified I have parvovirus B19 (known as Fifth disease in children.) The good news was it wasn't something permanent. The not quite as good news was that it can last anywhere from one to three months.

I'm feeling better, but two of my children have had the tell-tale signs of red cheeks over the last 10 days. And now, the stomach bug has hit again. And I'm tired.

Though I know I could be taking a child to cancer treatments every day. Or be dealing with a lifelong, debilitating disease. Or many, many other more heart-wrenching situations. Yet still, I'm tired.

I don't share this to complain. I really don't. I share it to...well...share it. To stand behind my desire to be completely honest about the journey of motherhood, even the dark days.

I'm struggling to stay focused, but keep plugging away each day clinging to God, reading and standing on His promises, and starting over with each sunrise to be more present for my children. There's nothing like illness to get you more present.

I don't think it's a coincidence that the first two months of 2012 have been so challenging when I've vowed to fast and pray for a loved one until my prayers are answered. Or when this is the year I start speaking with Stonecroft Ministries. Or the third year of the Abundant Life Conference for Women, which continues to grow for the glory of God. None of it is a coincidence. Nor that I read James through just last week. God tells us trials are to come and to be joyful in them. I don't feel joy, but I have the peace that God is with me, His Spirit dwelling in me, if I simply let go and rely on Him I will find the joy again. Maybe the most difficult of all: letting go.


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